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Do you have a story? (Deadbeat Moms) — 257 Comments

  1. And here I thought there was other moms explaining their situation… my son’s father says I’m a deadbeat mother. He didn’t say that before I went into a psychosis, he got full custody, moved to another state and got another woman while I was very ill… I can remember my son and I’s last days together when he was 9 months old, like it was yesterday. One minute everything was okay, the next, our lives had turned upside down and they’ve never been the same. I wonder how many people consider a “deadbeat” mom to be mentally unstable and chose to remove herself because that actually is what’s best for their child… No one would see it that way… it’s insane how many times I’ve tried to get back what relationship my son and I had… to be called a piece of shit deadbeat mom.

    • Your not a Deadbeat mom, you just did what was best for your child.

      If not now maybe when your child gets a little older you will get your chance to sit down with him and tell your side of the story.

      Be well…Naomi

  2. Proud father of three children. Have a beautiful wife who has been helping me raise my children. The ex-wife refuses to pay child support and has gone to great efforts to avoid child support. The latest, convincing local public that she is a victim of human trafficking. Its disgusting and the resources being used to help her (when they could be used for real victims) is disappointing. She is now over the $40,000 arena in support. I do have an attorney and hoping to make progress.

    The real damage is what she has done to the children. Empty promises.

    Has anyone experienced something similar?

    • Mike, I’m Dave and I wrote a brief summary below. My daughters mother just reached out to her a little while ago after almost a year of no contact. My daughter doesn’t want anything to do with her. But your post resonated with me, because apparently she’s told people she was abducted, forced to do heroin and raped. I don’t believe any of this, she’s supposedly in “hiding” now with her boyfriend, yet she posts on facebook, etc. Just insane behavior really… But same thing with the kids too, empty promises. Luckily mine is old enough to start seeing her for the deadbeat she is.

    • I am an army veteran. I served 7 years with 2 back deployments from 04-11. I have multiple injuries that have me on a disabled status. I had 3 kids from a previous marriage that had failed and we were separated but still married not even living in the same country for8 years . About the end of my career I met my ex. I’ve known her for about 15 years. A friend of the family especially my father. Is how I met her. After my father passed from cancer we got together. It was instant this feels right. She moved with me to Texas where we were living the life and a few monthes later she was pregnant. I was happy to be blessed to have a new family. I was discharged from the army 2 monthes before my daughter was born. So we moved back to CT where we had family. After my daughter was born her mother starting screaming an being frontational with me. I was only on partial disability and paying for our apartment bills and I was still in a battle with the VA. I had no money other than my severance and the minimal disabilty received by the VA. I struggled to pay rent and support us as well as pay child support to my other children. I would ask her over and over to please help contribute because it got to the point where I couldn’t make child support payment and needed her help. I even went backschool to try and further my education and also have some financial assisstance to help sustain us. She was constantly lashing out at me. Telling me to go kill myself and calling me a loser. It wasent long I to my first semester that I started noticing symptoms of PTSD. I was a mess and I was trying to seek help. She called the cops on me on every argument we had. She kicked holes in doors while I tried to hide and called the police on me making them think I did it. I would be kicked out and she would text me to come back that night or the next aand do it again. One night she attacked me in front of my 2 other children while I was sleeping on the first new years that ive spent with them. My other childrens mother told me my children cannot come back because of her. I knew I was never going to see my kids again because of her actions. I decided to not give up in my kids and applied for a home loan. It was approved and by this time I had already been evaluated fully and rated by the VA as disabled. We fought alot because she was not helping us and instead of getting a job, she decided to go back to school full-time because she could not get a job with her bachalours degree. I was at the point that I decided I was going to move alone to Maine. She threatend that if I did not take her she would side with my ex wife during custody and make me lose my children because of my ptsd. I did not want to leave my daughter at all and I thought a new environment would be a fresh start. She then disrespected her aunt how was renting our place to the point that I was served with an eviction not even know what happened. But thank God I closed on the house before the eviction date. We moved to Maine and she was a full-time student online. She was still telling me to kill myself and calling me a loser almost every day. Calling the cops again on my for questioning what gives her the right to treat me like that. Calling the cops everyday again claiming I abused her when I would lock myself away from her to escapee and she would pick the locks and keep comin at me. I once had to lock myself in my closet and use cords to tie the door shut. She attacked me many times and ice even called the police on her for my own safety and she switched the story around and had me arrested. I didn’t even know why I was in jail. She kept using the veteran with ptsd issue. The DA dismissed my case because after I explained wht happen it made way more sense that was I was accused off. I went to a ptsd in treatment program twice and have been on med for anxiety and depression. But even tho I did things would not change. I njured my neck in the army and it started giving me a really hard time to the point I was heavily sedated until I could see a qualified doctor for three monthes. In that time I was paying for a baby sitter in my house while she was out drinking, tanning, flirting and bad mouthing me. She would complain that I don’t give her the chance to do her work. She failed and blamed me. We had our second daughter. After she wanted me to make her my caregiver. I refused because I didn’t need a caregiver and ididnt want to give her power of attourny . She contact my cousin to come visit me and help her check me into a hospital. My cousin came and saw what she was doing and told that she is creating alot of issues for me. My ex was kicking my family and he daughter out of my house. That wasent going. My ex got a job a couple weeks after my cousin left parttime 4 hours a day 3 days a week On her second day she asked me if I wanted her to stay home so she can take care of the kids. I told her no. We needed that Money. She still called out from work and told her boss Infront of my that my kids were not safe from my ptsd. I was really upset and took the house phone outside to call my cousin. My cousin told me to pack a bag and take a break with her. My ex was on the phone listening to the convo and then called DHS and claimed my cousin was abusing he daughter. DHS contacted my cells but I couldn’t answer at moment and it was the weekend close of business. I asked my ex about it and she said she didn’t know. I told her this is a deal breaker if she attacked my family like this. She still denied it. Kept asking me to go out and get drunk. I refused because I am worried about my famiY. That mondat I called DHS and they told me they recognized me number as the reporter. I said no and explain itwas a vicious act . I then told me ex that she broke the deal and left my house to get the info on child support. I went to a program specializing in family abuse. The contacted her and told her what I was doing. I was served at the court house after getting the application for child support with a restraing order saying I abused her and my kids. For ten days I slept in my car or a motel. She took my kids to LA and then dismmised the order. Immidietly calling for money after she cleared out my house and left with no job, no home, no money. I sent her money. I kept sending her money and she was not working. I missed my daughters first birthday. I went to LA to visit my kids and the landlord approached me asking men for rent. I didn’t known what he was talking about and he showed me the rental agreement and he was going to put her in jail for bouncing checks and fraud. He was a veteran as well and we spoke over coffee. I asked him to break the lease and I will bring them home as well as pay what she owes. He agreed and in 3 days I alone packed up he place. Cleaned it while she was on a bus to MY that I had to beg for help from the VFW to help me get them home. I left with my youmger daughter and took a plane back to NY and left everything they had. I asked her to never leave again like that with the kids and at least if she wants to leave just let me care for them while she gets settled. She agreed. She came back again cop calling while she was drunk trying to pick fights. In the month of Apr 15 she was contacting attacking me sleeping in the other room no contact with me. She would just up leave and disappear. Coming back drunk bragging about how she was the only girl in the bar and every guy bought her a drink. One day we got in to an argument and I went to get a coffee while she went to work on her resume that took 4 years to write. I noticed she was park at another place. A hydroponic shop for growing ‘weed” I went to meet her at the bar Maybe have a drink but when I got there was far to nice to me after telling me to kill myself. I knew at that time I was being cheated on. But I didn’t mention it and left. She would say she is out with a another girl but really with him because the othr girl told me she wasent. She broke my computer’s my phones break glass Infront my door so I could not leave. Stole my wallet. I had to call the police. I told the police to please accompany thru my house so that I may pack a bag to leave for a few days. They did and I went to visit my grandfather in CT. When I got toy grandfathers. He was on hospice and all alone. I told him I would stay to the end with him. A week later I came back home and packed a bad with my exes full support. I left on May 19. After grandfathr passed and was buried I came home to find the guy that owned the weed shop and is also a veterans nasty belonging in my room. I had no intention of anything besides grieving and being wi th my family and starting new. My grandfathr told me to. I questioned her and she said it was hers. She couldn’t lie about anothr man’s nasty stuff I by bedrromm. I left without fighting to process what was happinimg. While I was out she filed another restraining order saying I abused her. I was kicked out with nothing but a bag of clothes that was packed for 4 days. I was evicted from my home for 5 monthes while her boyfriend was sleeping my bed with my kids upstaiRs I confronted him about it and told him to stay away from my home because this court issue I serious. He gave me his word. He was here almost every night while I was homeless broke paying a mortgage battling anxiety and the court’s allowing me to be be this way even tho I appealed for a sooner date. She refused to leave my house and used it as a bargening chip to drop the restraining order. When the court’s finally gave me my.house back she moved my children strait into this man’s house they didn’t know him, I had no contact with them, she has filed multiple orders on me and he has to falsy accusing me in order to keep the kids during the custody trail. I fought for equal parenting but she said because I have PTSD that I could not care for them. The court’s didn’t even let me speak. They didn’t even know she had this guy violate my home and took my kids. They ordered me to pay child support and gave me 2 days a week and every other weekend. I fought for one more day in the week and they said no. That same day my ex asked to watch this kids. She was starting a job. I agreed. They stayed with me for 3 weeks straight. I had them Monday – Friday and even the weekends she would have them she would ask me to keep them until I realized that I was payimg her full child support and taking care of them while she was making $2400 a month not including support and on welfare. She quite her job and claimed she left because of sexual harrassement. It was a government job 6 monthes later. After me taking care of this kids all day everyday she stopped them from seeing me. She planned my daughters second birthday with her boyfreimd and without me and took her away without telling me where for the week. I didn’t even spend one birthday in my daugjters life yet and this guy spent 2. I threw my own party for her with Thier siblings. I keep the visitation together so all kids would be together. After she repeatedly denied me time and holidays she moved back in with me and said she wanted to be a family again. I believed her. She brought her boyfreimd back in my house again while I was caring for my other children and emptied my house again. To move back with him stealing my truck and a check for rent claiming she was living with a mutual friend. I filed for a motion of contempt and she responded with another restraining order. Her boyfreind filed one on me too when I didn’t even see him. Those where dismissed. A few month ago my 3 years old told me he was hurting her. I asked her how and she said he was stepping on her. I asked her other questions both my daugjters. My daughter told me he tickels them on Thoer pee pee. I recorded this and called the police and let them hear it and interview my kids. I filed a restraing order on him on behalf of my kids and kept my kids with me overnight until I knew they were safe. Without even listening to the recording or asking me any details she filed a restraining order on me. So I lost contact while her boyfreimd was still sleeping in the same.house as my.kids. I went to court for both orders in the same day with no lawyer thinking this was a dragged out process like when I was homeless. It was not. It happened right then and there and the judge dismissed my case because he said ot was hearsay. So while I was defending myself from her accusations of me abusing her the judge gave me a continuance and I got a lawyer. She was ready to stop all contact between me and my kids for her boyfriend. The judge saw that she abused the orders and dismissed it. As soon as he did she filed for sole custody and I answerd with a motion to modify custody. She has falsy accused me of harrassement and keeping my kids from me. Her boyfreind is calling the cops in me calling me.a.stalker when I am waitingfor my kkids to show up if they ever show up at all.for 2 hours a day. She changed the court date because she took my kids away for 2 weeks to California. I never got to say goodbye or I love them. She came.back and I still haven’t seen my kids because shedosent follow the custody She bought a BMW and compliance to me that she can’t take care of this kids when she get over $1000 a month from me. She dosemt work legally or pay bills. She keeps trying to set me up with the police to have me arrested for harrassement because I wait for 2 hours past my pick up time for her and tell her I won’t blame my kids because she uses them as the excuse and her boyfreind or do not ask me for child support because I am.current so take it up with the state. I have a new court day in May. Today I found out she was frauding my address again and I told my lawyer I need to stop all contact until court. Or she will try her best to lock me up so her and her respectable veteran that hid all my army pictures in my underwater drawer can cut me out of my kids lives while they reapnthe benifits of my.children child support. I am afraid of her especially constantly having to deal with my own anxiety that she claims to every one that a beat her and she had to run away. The same reason she is using against me she is getting all the benifits because of my illness and telling everyone I am crazy veteran. I have documented ever thing. I have every call recorded, every text, I keep a journal and when I go to court and if they brush this to the side than that is not real justice for my children. If they do not give me.shared at least and give me less that the minimum I have already than I cannot fight this anymore or I will be set up for jail by her and her boyfriend. I hope in May I can start being the real.father I’ve been fighting for verses just a title and another guy playing good daddy while they make me.out to seem bad daddy

    • I am an army veteran. I served 7 years with 2 back deployments from 04-11. I have multiple injuries that have me on a disabled status. I had 3 kids from a previous marriage that had failed and we were separated but still married not even living in the same country for8 years . About the end of my career I met my ex. I’ve known her for about 15 years. A friend of the family especially my father. Is how I met her. After my father passed from cancer we got together. It was instant this feels right. She moved with me to Texas where we were living the life and a few monthes later she was pregnant. I was happy to be blessed to have a new family. I was discharged from the army 2 monthes before my daughter was born. So we moved back to CT where we had family. After my daughter was born her mother starting screaming an being frontational with me. I was only on partial disability and paying for our apartment bills and I was still in a battle with the VA. I had no money other than my severance and the minimal disabilty received by the VA. I struggled to pay rent and support us as well as pay child support to my other children. I would ask her over and over to please help contribute because it got to the point where I couldn’t make child support payment and needed her help. I even went backschool to try and further my education and also have some financial assisstance to help sustain us. She was constantly lashing out at me. Telling me to go kill myself and calling me a loser. It wasent long I to my first semester that I started noticing symptoms of PTSD. I was a mess and I was trying to seek help. She called the cops on me on every argument we had. She kicked holes in doors while I tried to hide and called the police on me making them think I did it. I would be kicked out and she would text me to come back that night or the next aand do it again. One night she attacked me in front of my 2 other children while I was sleeping on the first new years that ive spent with them. My other childrens mother told me my children cannot come back because of her. I knew I was never going to see my kids again because of her actions. I decided to not give up in my kids and applied for a home loan. It was approved and by this time I had already been evaluated fully and rated by the VA as disabled. We fought alot because she was not helping us and instead of getting a job, she decided to go back to school full-time because she could not get a job with her bachalours degree. I was at the point that I decided I was going to move alone to Maine. She threatend that if I did not take her she would side with my ex wife during custody and make me lose my children because of my ptsd. I did not want to leave my daughter at all and I thought a new environment would be a fresh start. She then disrespected her aunt how was renting our place to the point that I was served with an eviction not even know what happened. But thank God I closed on the house before the eviction date. We moved to Maine and she was a full-time student online. She was still telling me to kill myself and calling me a loser almost every day. Calling the cops again on my for questioning what gives her the right to treat me like that. Calling the cops everyday again claiming I abused her when I would lock myself away from her to escapee and she would pick the locks and keep comin at me. I once had to lock myself in my closet and use cords to tie the door shut. She attacked me many times and ice even called the police on her for my own safety and she switched the story around and had me arrested. I didn’t even know why I was in jail. She kept using the veteran with ptsd issue. The DA dismissed my case because after I explained wht happen it made way more sense that was I was accused off. I went to a ptsd in treatment program twice and have been on med for anxiety and depression. But even tho I did things would not change. I njured my neck in the army and it started giving me a really hard time to the point I was heavily sedated until I could see a qualified doctor for three monthes. In that time I was paying for a baby sitter in my house while she was out drinking, tanning, flirting and bad mouthing me. She would complain that I don’t give her the chance to do her work. She failed and blamed me. We had our second daughter. After she wanted me to make her my caregiver. I refused because I didn’t need a caregiver and ididnt want to give her power of attourny . She contact my cousin to come visit me and help her check me into a hospital. My cousin came and saw what she was doing and told that she is creating alot of issues for me. My ex was kicking my family and he daughter out of my house. That wasent going. My ex got a job a couple weeks after my cousin left parttime 4 hours a day 3 days a week On her second day she asked me if I wanted her to stay home so she can take care of the kids. I told her no. We needed that Money. She still called out from work and told her boss Infront of my that my kids were not safe from my ptsd. I was really upset and took the house phone outside to call my cousin. My cousin told me to pack a bag and take a break with her. My ex was on the phone listening to the convo and then called DHS and claimed my cousin was abusing he daughter. DHS contacted my cells but I couldn’t answer at moment and it was the weekend close of business. I asked my ex about it and she said she didn’t know. I told her this is a deal breaker if she attacked my family like this. She still denied it. Kept asking me to go out and get drunk. I refused because I am worried about my famiY. That mondat I called DHS and they told me they recognized me number as the reporter. I said no and explain itwas a vicious act . I then told me ex that she broke the deal and left my house to get the info on child support. I went to a program specializing in family abuse. The contacted her and told her what I was doing. I was served at the court house after getting the application for child support with a restraing order saying I abused her and my kids. For ten days I slept in my car or a motel. She took my kids to LA and then dismmised the order. Immidietly calling for money after she cleared out my house and left with no job, no home, no money. I sent her money. I kept sending her money and she was not working. I missed my daughters first birthday. I went to LA to visit my kids and the landlord approached me asking men for rent. I didn’t known what he was talking about and he showed me the rental agreement and he was going to put her in jail for bouncing checks and fraud. He was a veteran as well and we spoke over coffee. I asked him to break the lease and I will bring them home as well as pay what she owes. He agreed and in 3 days I alone packed up he place. Cleaned it while she was on a bus to MY that I had to beg for help from the VFW to help me get them home. I left with my youmger daughter and took a plane back to NY and left everything they had. I asked her to never leave again like that with the kids and at least if she wants to leave just let me care for them while she gets settled. She agreed. She came back again cop calling while she was drunk trying to pick fights. In the month of Apr 15 she was contacting attacking me sleeping in the other room no contact with me. She would just up leave and disappear. Coming back drunk bragging about how she was the only girl in the bar and every guy bought her a drink. One day we got in to an argument and I went to get a coffee while she went to work on her resume that took 4 years to write. I noticed she was park at another place. A hydroponic shop for growing ‘weed” I went to meet her at the bar Maybe have a drink but when I got there was far to nice to me after telling me to kill myself. I knew at that time I was being cheated on. But I didn’t mention it and left. She would say she is out with a another girl but really with him because the othr girl told me she wasent. She broke my computer’s my phones break glass Infront my door so I could not leave. Stole my wallet. I had to call the police. I told the police to please accompany thru my house so that I may pack a bag to leave for a few days. They did and I went to visit my grandfather in CT. When I got toy grandfathers. He was on hospice and all alone. I told him I would stay to the end with him. A week later I came back home and packed a bad with my exes full support. I left on May 19. After grandfathr passed and was buried I came home to find the guy that owned the weed shop and is also a veterans nasty belonging in my room. I had no intention of anything besides grieving and being wi th my family and starting new. My grandfathr told me to. I questioned her and she said it was hers. She couldn’t lie about anothr man’s nasty stuff I by bedrromm. I left without fighting to process what was happinimg. While I was out she filed another restraining order saying I abused her. I was kicked out with nothing but a bag of clothes that was packed for 4 days. I was evicted from my home for 5 monthes while her boyfriend was sleeping my bed with my kids upstaiRs I confronted him about it and told him to stay away from my home because this court issue I serious. He gave me his word. He was here almost every night while I was homeless broke paying a mortgage battling anxiety and the court’s allowing me to be be this way even tho I appealed for a sooner date. She refused to leave my house and used it as a bargening chip to drop the restraining order. When the court’s finally gave me my.house back she moved my children strait into this man’s house they didn’t know him, I had no contact with them, she has filed multiple orders on me and he has to falsy accusing me in order to keep the kids during the custody trail. I fought for equal parenting but she said because I have PTSD that I could not care for them. The court’s didn’t even let me speak. They didn’t even know she had this guy violate my home and took my kids. They ordered me to pay child support and gave me 2 days a week and every other weekend. I fought for one more day in the week and they said no. That same day my ex asked to watch this kids. She was starting a job. I agreed. They stayed with me for 3 weeks straight. I had them Monday – Friday and even the weekends she would have them she would ask me to keep them until I realized that I was payimg her full child support and taking care of them while she was making $2400 a month not including support and on welfare. She quite her job and claimed she left because of sexual harrassement. It was a government job 6 monthes later. After me taking care of this kids all day everyday she stopped them from seeing me. She planned my daughters second birthday with her boyfreimd and without me and took her away without telling me where for the week. I didn’t even spend one birthday in my daugjters life yet and this guy spent 2. I threw my own party for her with Thier siblings. I keep the visitation together so all kids would be together. After she repeatedly denied me time and holidays she moved back in with me and said she wanted to be a family again. I believed her. She brought her boyfreimd back in my house again while I was caring for my other children and emptied my house again. To move back with him stealing my truck and a check for rent claiming she was living with a mutual friend. I filed for a motion of contempt and she responded with another restraining order. Her boyfreind filed one on me too when I didn’t even see him. Those where dismissed. A few month ago my 3 years old told me he was hurting her. I asked her how and she said he was stepping on her. I asked her other questions both my daugjters. My daughter told me he tickels them on Thoer pee pee. I recorded this and called the police and let them hear it and interview my kids. I filed a restraing order on him on behalf of my kids and kept my kids with me overnight until I knew they were safe. Without even listening to the recording or asking me any details she filed a restraining order on me. So I lost contact while her boyfreimd was still sleeping in the same.house as my.kids. I went to court for both orders in the same day with no lawyer thinking this was a dragged out process like when I was homeless. It was not. It happened right then and there and the judge dismissed my case because he said ot was hearsay. So while I was defending myself from her accusations of me abusing her the judge gave me a continuance and I got a lawyer. She was ready to stop all contact between me and my kids for her boyfriend. The judge saw that she abused the orders and dismissed it. As soon as he did she filed for sole custody and I answerd with a motion to modify custody. She has falsy accused me of harrassement and keeping my kids from me. Her boyfreind is calling the cops in me calling me.a.stalker when I am waitingfor my kkids to show up if they ever show up at all.for 2 hours a day. She changed the court date because she took my kids away for 2 weeks to California. I never got to say goodbye or I love them. She came.back and I still haven’t seen my kids because shedosent follow the custody She bought a BMW and compliance to me that she can’t take care of this kids when she get over $1000 a month from me. She dosemt work legally or pay bills. She keeps trying to set me up with the police to have me arrested for harrassement because I wait for 2 hours past my pick up time for her and tell her I won’t blame my kids because she uses them as the excuse and her boyfreind or do not ask me for child support because I am.current so take it up with the state. I have a new court day in May. Today I found out she was frauding my address again and I told my lawyer I need to stop all contact until court. Or she will try her best to lock me up so her and her respectable veteran that hid all my army pictures in my underwater drawer can cut me out of my kids lives while they reapnthe benifits of my.children child support. I am afraid of her especially constantly having to deal with my own anxiety that she claims to every one that a beat her and she had to run away. The same reason she is using against me she is getting all the benifits because of my illness and telling everyone I am crazy veteran. I have documented ever thing. I have every call recorded, every text, I keep a journal and when I go to court and if they brush this to the side than that is not real justice for my children. If they do not give me.shared at least and give me less that the minimum I have already than I cannot fight this anymore or I will be set up for jail by her and her boyfriend. I hope in May I can start being the real.father I’ve been fighting for verses just a title and another guy playing good daddy while they make me.out to seem bad daddy

  3. Naomi,
    I love this site, as a “steparent” that is the only mommy to him, it is difficult to find anyone online that doesn’t tell me I can never replace biomom. But let me tell you, I have. And not because I wanted to at first. The first 4 years of his life BM seemed to try, but just wasn’t able to keep it together . After a 6 month disappearance BM came back with avengence. Long horrible story short, the emotional, mental,physical,sexual abuse, and medical, educational,emotional neglect we decided it was time for court. This was our last resort. After 3 years of documenting, many modification and protective order hearings, cps, child advocate, and police reports all leading no where because no one wants to to separate a biomother from child, they finally gave us primary custody after SS (7years old) told the guardian et litem, he wanted to stay with us because she was “Making him homless” and “he was tired of her 15 different boyfriends” in the past 3 years and “Daddy and K Ma (me) are the only ones who care about me.” BM hurt him one more very traumatizing time, dropped him off at a gas station by himself after calling my husband, told SS she didn’t love him, and disappeared. We also were made aware that she is a heroin addict and had been an addict of pain medication for a long time. All would have been perfect from that point on because : 1. There had been no strong bond between them anyways. 2. He was so relieved to have gotten away from her. And 3. He couldn’t remember a time without me since we had been together since he was 2. I had always been the primary mother figure in his life. And BM left him with biograndmother as an infant most of the time during her own court ordered parenting time, which was kept from my husband at the time or he would have gotten SS . Which brings me to the next chapter. BG (maternal) . SS been spending a lot of time there prior to our primary custody victory, so as a sign of good faith, we allowed BG to be on paper as having a weekend a month during BM s visitation time. Because BM had been known to use SS against them, and refuse to allow them to see him. Little did we know that for the next 4 years, they were forcing him to be in BMs presence against his will behind our backs. He was too frightened to tell us or say anything to them after being punished physically , but mostly emotionally if he ever said anything about the prior abuse by Bm , if he ever said mommy in their presence (referring to me), or showed any resistance to being around BM. The emotional abuse was so heavy at BGs home that he was brainwashed into believing he was obligated to love BM, that the prior abuse was normal and that it was wrong to hurt someone’s feelings even if he was protecting himself. SS IS now 12. Last year he became mature enough that they could no longer manipulate him. He finally stood up for himself. He told them that he would rather miss out on the fun time, presents, sleepovers, cousins , etc. In order to not have to be around abusive, drug addict BM once every 6 months. He told them that i had always been his one and only mother and that their attempts to make him feel like he has a horrible life without BM present will no longer work. Then he came home , told us everything and made it very clear he did not want to return. Which brings me to the advice I need . We have been planning to file for termination of BM rights and petition for me to adopt SS. But BG has always been the one making BM fight, financing her lawyers, acting as though the abuse wasn’t that bad and defending her everytime. So, with the fact that he has not had BM in his life for 5 years, unless BG forced it, which may have been 6 times in 5 years. And that he hasn’t seen any of them per his choice, in almost a year. And that no one has called, sent gifts, shown up here, sent letters, etc. Nor have we ever asked BM for any child support. All has been perfect for the last year, though the trauma has been lasting, knowing that none of them ever cared for his best interest and it is hard to explain to a 12 year old that humans make mistakes, it wasn’t something wrong with him, and he needs to forgive and move forward. I’m afraid i am poking a sleeping bear if i file the adoption/termination papers now. And what’s worse is that BM is on the streets with no real address so i have to send the papers to BG who is the main cause of all friction to stop mine and SS relationship for the last 10 years. And now she cant manipulate any of us anymore, the mask is off. I’m scared, but im more afraid that if BM gets clean for a few months and with the court system always taking the BM side and giving her something visitation wise, that she will one day show up then leave again, causing more pain. So , you see my problem, doing what is best forSS may also just cause more problems, but doing nothing may as well. There is much more to the story, like BMs other child out of wedlock, lives with BG full time and i have a 2 year old with husband as well. I need help.

    • Maybe you should talk to the BM and tell her if she ever had a ounce of love for that child and if it was only for a moment she has ever felt like that childs mother she would just sign over her rights and for once put SS needs befor her own

    • I’m glad you enjoy coming to the site and expressing how you feel. Replacement has nothing to do with the love you give those children.. you keep doing your best and don’t let anyone discourage you. Naomi

  4. Hello I have been in a relationship with my fiance for 6 years I have helped him raise his 3 kids while I have 4 of my own . There mom left when there daughter was 2. My step sons are 13and 12. And step daughter is now 10. She has had no contact with them no cards not even visitation at school or no child support and they have 50/50. Me as a mother myself do not understand how you can leave your children. My step kids a couple years back asked me that they remember her standing in the living room yelling at there dad that she didnt want them . Now they kinda gave up on her they no longer want anything to do with her . I do know that I have tried contacting her because she has threatened to take them. I don’t see how that is fair when he well we have worked our butts off to support them with no help and now that there older she decides to want to get them. How do I explain to the kids now there a little older whats going on.

    • Hi Sammie, Thanks for sharing your story.
      it sounds like a complicated situation but eventually they will need to know what’s going, I would probably wait and see if their mother put’s the paperwork in first, then I would talk to my husband and come up with the best way to let the children know….Naomi

  5. My nephew used to be married to this young lady whom he had a son with. Then one day he messed up,got caught creeping with another girl from his work. Even though they split up,my nephew still got to see his son,for a time. Then one day his ex-wife just decided she didn’t want his support payments anymore,didn’t want anything to do with him and wasn’t going to allow him – or his mom,the child’s grandmother – to see the boy anymore. For almost two years now he has not been allowed to see his son,even though he had visitation rights and was paying child support. Well,my nephew’s ex,she didn’t care who she was hurting,not him,not the grandmother who adored the child,certainly not the child himself. My nephew and his mom took the matter to court and even the judge himself agreed that she was committing contempt by not letting him see his son (going against the visitation order). In the meantime,my nephew’s ex took up with a new guy,a little monied la-di-da punk who she has wrapped around her little finger and currently has involved in one of her schemes to adopt the child and have the child’s last name changed to his.

    • Hi Elvin thanks for sharing your story.

      You tell you nephew don’t give up on fighting to see his child, even if her boyfriend could adopt him your nephew should still have visitation rights to see his biological child.

      I believe this is a ploy to try and scare dad away, but don’t give up….Naomi

  6. I always knew things weren’t right with my daughters mom. For years she would try to get me to give her extra CS, she would lie, she went through what I would guess is 25-30 phone numbers in 6 years. She moved my daughter (and 2 other children) 7 times in 6 years. And she always had something that hurt and needed pain pills for, also she hadn’t worked but maybe 3 months the last 7 yeasr. I would tell my wife that one day my daughter is going to realize what is going on and that things aren’t right over there. Then when my daughter was about 12.5 years old she unloaded on me. About how her mom and her fiance would fight and break things, a couple of times getting physically violent with my daughter and her other kids! About how they have the power shut off all the time, sometimes for a week at a time! About how they didn’t have WATER and were using the creek behind the house to fill up and use the TOILETS!!! About how her and her older brother and 7 year old little sister would wake up and nobody would be home and they’d have to get themselves up and ready for school every morning. About the awful things her mother would say like she wished she wasn’t born…

    Needless to say I lawyered up and got an emergency hearing and was granted custody this May. It’s been 7 months now. We haven’t heard from her mother since then, not for her birthday or anything. We have put my daughter in the care of a counselor as well through the holidays, as we don’t expect to hear from her. I think it’s cute that I paid child support on time for years, and as soon as she hits rock bottom and loses all her kids (she lost all 3 children around the same time) she not only doesn’t pay child support but doesn’t even want to see her daughter. All because my daughter was strong enough to tell me the truth. My daughter doesn’t even want to see her anymore, she has come full circle and realizes what a deadbeat her mom has always been, but she didn’t have the guts to do anything until she got older. The system is completely rigged to screw the dads, I’m so lucky I was able to get my daughter out of that situation.

    • Great job Dave. you have a strong and beautiful child, it seems like to me she’s ready to put her past behind her and take on her new adventures….guide her, she needs you now more than you ever…Naomi

      • Thanks Naomi, she does need me. I’m very lucky as well, my wife is a therapist and has helped my daughter along with her counselor. She’s doing better in school, she’s happier, she gets to do things and be involved in things she couldn’t before. I don’t know what will happen in the future, if my daughter will decide to forgive her mother or not, that is her choice. But for now she is well cared for and loved. And believe me this doesn’t go unnoticed by her.

  7. So I’m 17 and my mom gets drunk everyday. All her money goes into cigarettes, alcohol, and pills. And that’s if she even has money. She doesn’t have a job and if she does get a job she loses it within the first week because either she won’t show up or she says she’s “sick.” So she moved out and into my other sisters house and I was living on my own, I was so happy, I had a plan, everything figured out. I have a job, I got a roommate set to come live with me. And then she moved back in, and now all my plans are ruined. I can only support myself, I can’t support someone who isn’t trying, who has no money, who rips me off, and tells me lies. That’s just not happening. I don’t wish to continue my old life. What do I do?

    • Hi Makaela, thanks for reaching out, I’m not sure who the apartment belongs too, but if it doesn’t belong solely to you, you must continue on with your goals so you can finally spread your wings. Don’t allow anyone to stand in your way. If you allow these thought of not be able to carry on, win… it will be years before you progress in life….keep moving on….Naomi

    • Hi , I’m 30 yr old mother of two amazing kids 6 & 3. I’ve been through huge trials and tribulations in my relationship with thier father . although I love them and try my best to nurture their growth in everyway I know how ,the relationship has suffered me a great deal. I question my ability to function and serve my kids with what they deserve. So I have seriously considered walking away to get back on my feet. If I were to do so, would I be a “deadbeat mom” ?

      • Hi Franny, thanks for sharing your story. If you feel like your not in the best position to take care of your children properly, and you decide to give up your rights to someone you know your children is better off with, than “NO” I don’t consider that to be a Deadbeat Mom….Naomi

  8. I have not seen or talked to my 14 year old son since he was 7 except twice. His mother will not answer the phone and if i do visitation i will only be able to sit in a room under supervision with him. Because of this i refuse to pay child suoport and will be taking my parental rights away and just walking away.i made this decision to keep me from doing harm to her and her family members. I don’t know what else to do.

      • You do what you have to do for your child even if it the visits are supervised at least you are there visiting and showing you care..The visits will be documented that you did show up and how well the visit went…but, just to take that step to show up is a huge plus.Don’t sever your rights to your child FIGHT for your right to be a parent..You can do it!

    • i think that you should contact your son more often, because of how HE feels. here is my advise from a 14 year old who has a deadbeat mom: pay the child support(please), visit him, show him that you care. and finally, fight for custody. or joint custody. it hurts you, her(probably), and your son as well.

  9. My husband’s ex-wife was a stay-at-home mom while they were married. That was the plan, anyway. A stay at home mom still WORKS, she just works inside the home, yes? Ms. Wonderful feigned a never-diagnosed illness and put her children into daycare three days a week while my husband was at work, and she spent those days lying on the couch, smoking weed, taking prescription painkillers and drinking heavily. When the kids were home, she would lock them in their rooms during the day so she could perform these activities. Later, she agreed to get a job – as a stripper. Which brought in no money, but brought in men she could invite to the house during the day. She’d lock the kids in their rooms and have sex with men she’d hooked up with at the strip club while “working.”

    She’s a great lady. She spent several years cheating, and then I guess the kids got old enough to tell Daddy that Uncle Whomever had been to the house, so she finally told my husband she wanted to leave. To move to Florida, with the kids, to live with some dude she’d met on the internet and spent a few days with in person.

    My husband refused to allow her to uproot his children for this, and to take them 1,000 miles away, where his full-time work schedule would literally not allow him to ever see them. So he sued her for full custody. She didn’t put up much of a fight, agreeing to leave them with my husband if he would pay her each month so she could afford to come visit them. At first, she would come every other month and stay for a few weeks. Then the visits became much less frequent. She would see them every couple of months for a few weeks. This went on for three years.

    Two years ago, her new husband was in danger of losing his home in Florida, so he sold it in a short sale and they moved back to New Jersey, where they rent a house that belongs to Ms. Wonderful’s sister. We share custody of the children – Ms. Wonderful lives five minutes from us, so it’s very little upheaval to the kids’ lives for them to spend alternating weeks with their mother and their father. Things have gone much more smoothly than I anticipated, with the exception of financial responsibility. Ms. Wonderful passes most expenses off to us. Book fairs, field trips, class pictures… she seems perfectly content to allow us to pay for any incidental expenses for the children. I think she assumes because we both work, it should be our responsibility, since she refuses to get a job, so our household income is higher than hers.

    I don’t object to having to take care of the children; it’s what I signed on for when I married my husband. However… she is married as well, and her husband has TWO jobs: he is a teacher and he works part-time at a liquor store at night. He took on the same responsibility I did when marrying into this situation. If he can’t convince his wife to get a job to take care of her own children, then he needs to pony up some money. If they can’t afford to do that, then maybe he needs to stop paying for her to get tattoos, or maybe they need to stop having so many parties at their house, so they can afford the $13 her son needed for his field trip while he was at her house for the week.

    It’s incredibly frustrating. My husband and I have a child together as well. And I’m not okay with him having to do without things because Ms. Wonderful can’t step up her game and financially contribute to her children’s upbringing.

  10. I became separated from my sons mother in summer 2014 because she had a nasty addiction to prescription medications. When we separated we saw a mediator and had things set in perfect motion as to how visitation and everything would work. Unbeknownst to me 2014 beginning of October she had filed a charge that I had pulled a gun on her and physically abused her. Needless to say I was at the time a firefighter paramedic. And apparently having those charges brought on and being arrested on shift is frowned upon. So I could not be at work while I had the charges that served prison time. Meanwhile I could not work until a resolution came Dec 2014. 10,000 dollars later the judge sees holes in her story and contradicting statements of character witnesses and it is truly a joke. I state how she was addicted to pills. He follows up with how he does not believe anything she says. ( luckily I had a court recorder purchased). Unfortunately, my attorney convinced me to settle on a 5 / 4 schedule for visitation. At this point my ex is unemployed as she was fired from her job, I pay 100 percent of my sons medical bills, and pay her 600 per month. Despite how she acted and what not I tried to be the nicer person and kept her on my insurance. Throughout 2015 I have my son on average 10-15 days more than scheduled. I was not complaining and really didn’t ask, but if I literally could not keep him because I had to work a 24 hour shift she would get down right nasty. So needless to say I took off a few days. I meet a woman and start dating her. She has children and the kids get along great and she looks after my son as I do. With that being said it is time for the kids to have their annual dental visit in June 2015. She scheduled the visits. My ex does not show up to his first dental appt. she tells me she has a life and was busy. Flash forward to October 2015, I am teaching a fire academy at the courthouse and was advised my ex was in the court. Due to how she had acted before I look to see what for. She was pulled for a dwi the night before my sons dental appt and the reason she didn’t make it was because she was arrested. When I ask her about it she tells me she is going to the police and tell them I hit her and threatened her. So needless to say I have a protective order taken out against me. So my girlfriend has to do the dropping off and picking up. My ex then starts scheduling my son for physical therapy. Of course I can’t attend. Finally the court date is here for the judge to decide on a permanent protective order. She paints a son story and stumbles on event orders, dates (like what year we separated), and other things. When questioned by the judge she flys off on him and he reminds her who he is. My 5k attorney simply shows a picture of her on Facebook telling everyone the time and place she is at and asks, “is this what a scared person would do?” She automatically loses her shit and it’s open/shut. Not only do I now drop her from my insurance, butI file for full custody and expedite it so a guardian ad litum would be assigned to my son. Home visits occur, the schedule is still going as regular. I am at this point recording convos and have a few conversations where my ex is high as a kite. Between seperation to December she is on boyfriend 18 or so. Her bf of November contacted me to advise me she had been stealing her terminally ill mothers pain medication. January 2016 I have my son for my 4 day break and when he is supposed to go back to my ex she doesn’t show… I hear nothing from her, her dad, her attorney, or anyone. By this point I have taken leave last minute a total of 18 times in the past year. I have my son about 7 days and finally hear that my ex had some issue where she had to finally come clean about her addiction. The guardian tells me that my ex is only allowed to see my son 2 days a week, visits have to be supervised, and she is in now way to drive him anywhere because I was advised she had been in 6 or so wrecks on top of the dwi. After 20 days of having my son the ex pops in the picture and immediately says I have to bring him to her. No I am sorry or thanks for taking off of work. Blah blah blah. Her worthless and unemployed dad never called to check on his grandson or ask to see his grandson for almost 24 days. So from January to almost April I have my son 5 days a week. I am still paying hold support. She is still cashing in 600/month. The court date is March 18. On the 16th her attorney calls mine wanting to settle. She had heard the gal had subpoenad the arresting officer of her dwi case apparently there were some hospital incidents and there was a few toxicology reports and a lab expert to discuss the values of prescription drugs in her blood. Needless to say I have my son primarily, my address is for his education/medical, she dtill has suprvised visits and can’t drive him, and the judge decided the 1500 in child support she owes me would be worked out this way. Because she is unemployed and now I am a school teacher I owe her 70 dollars a month. So I start paying her 70 dollars a month even though I have him the majority January 2018. So she sees him 2 days a week and has the opportunity of Tuesday visits from 330p-6p. Which since enacted she has miraculously started working more since court. She has not showed up to a single or visit since November 2015. He has them once a week. Received a bill in the mail from pt. I emailed her a receipt with the 21% she owes figured out and my math work shown so she can easily see I wasn’t fabricating numbers. She then advises me she would pay the clinic directly and not my bank account. You can’t help but laugh at that. And she then states me advising her about a medical bill and the due date does not pertain to my son and how I am being a nuisance. I had to remind her that his medical bills due pertain to him and that we have a court order stating she will pay a portion of his medical bills. I mean she is skipping out on child support she owes that she did not earn. And now she is complaining she has to pay 77 dollars of a medical bill. What a piece of shit. I feel sorry my son has to deal with her for 15 more years. But from start to finish my now fiancé and I have paid a grand total of about 20,000 dollars and fought tooth and nail for my son out of concern. Things ended up in our favor and there were times I wanted to quit. My fiancé would remind me that my son who is 3 now, but 2 during the event was not able to completely communicate what he is exposed to with my ex and there is no clue what he is going through or environment he is subjected to with her and although it is hard and bills were late so attorneys were paid. Fight for him if for no other reason. Because he is inevitably my responsibility. He is a part of me literally. So dads, remember that your kids are everything and literally a part of you. Fight for them, protect them, and do not ever give up on your kids.

  11. I joined the army in 2002 with in 6 weeks my now ex-wife managed to have our two children taken away for neglect on several counts. Thankfully my family was able to care for my boys 1 and 2 at the time, they ended up going in to traditional foster care since my parents were moving out of state. I continued my military traing and got to my duty station. Shortly after that family court awarded me custody. After a few months she disappeared from their lives thankfully. I had already met my current wife and she was living with me and caring for them. Within a year to them she had become mom. In 2005 I could finally pay for a divorce and did so. She contested and attempted to get some custodial rights, thankfully she only showed to one court date. This day the judge ordered me to allow a visit, I contested. This was the last time they say her. Here it is 13 years later over $30,000 behind on child support and no where near their life. I have a pretty happy ending for my story for the most part. But it’s sad the spot light still remains on dads, moms are far worse deadbeat parents. Dads seem to just walk away, moms play with emotions.

  12. Does anyone have some advice for me? I am a full time stepmom of 3 kids (plus I have a son of my own-4months old). My stepsons are about to turn 9 & 8. My stepdaughter is about to turn 6. I started dating their dad when they were 5,4, and 2. Me and their dad married in June of 2014. Their mother has had no contact with them for almost 3 years now. No calls, visits, cards for bdays, nothing. My heart breaks for them. She lives around the area and has no physical health issues, she chooses not to see them. They are hurt and confused. They do not mention her often but a few days ago my stepdaughter had a meltdown about how she was never going to see her mom again. If anyone else is dealing with something similar I would love any advice on how to help my stepkids. I love them and don’t know what I should say to help them. I want to be honest with them but don’t know what would all be ok to tell them because they are still young. Please help!!!

    • My name is roger and I to have had that where she took off and I raised my 3 children on my own,
      Her partying ran out and she got an apartment in same town as we lived so my son of 14 could go stay with her. Awsome rite wrong 8 months after hanging she’s decided to go bak to court to get custody rites again and is entirely /legally allowed this after loosing those rites in court for neglagence!!
      When the separation happened she took the two older children so she could get government support and accrual lay locked them in a room for hours at a time!
      My 9 yr old son at the time broke out a second story window to let his 6 yr old sister out to go to the washroom!

      • Stop Abuse…..if you think that the children are being abused please dial 911. you are their parent also, don’t allow this to happen….Naomi

    • I understand what your stepdaughter is going through, I myself went through the same thing. There is no easy way to deal with this situation, I carried on as a child would for years until my mother decided to give me the time of day. I suffered a lot. the only thing I could say is pray for all the kids and know that somethings need longer time to past than others, but remember eventually there will be light at the end of the tunnel…Naomi

      P.S don’t forget to get a copy of the book if you can….

    • First of all… thank your lucky stars she’s not in the picture, if that’s how little she cares about her kids. Yes, they’re heartbroken. And that’s awful. I went through something very similar with my stepkids. (Funny, very similar ages and genders to your kids – I have a 2-year-old son, an 8-year-old stepson, a 9-year-old stepson and a 10-year-old stepdaughter.) Their mother left them to move to Florida for some dude she met on the internet when they were 3, 4 and 5. The very first thing my stepdaughter ever said to me was, “Mommy left because she was sick of us.” It was heartbreaking.

      Here’s what I did: Any time any of them asked why Mommy left, I told them that only Mommy knows the answer to that question. I told them that it had nothing to do with them, that Mommy made a decision she didn’t realize was going to hurt them so much, and that they had to focus on the fact that Daddy was here, and they were safe, and he was never, ever going to leave them.

      It takes a VERY long time. I’m not going to lie. This all happened five years ago, and my stepkids’ mother actually did come back, and STILL, my stepdaughter will say to me, “I don’t know why Mommy had to move to Florida.” I have the luxury of telling her that’s something she needs to discuss with her mother – this is not a luxury you have, clearly. But all I can say is, be there for them and make sure they understand that THEY are not the reason their mother left – even if she left because she couldn’t handle being a mother. Reassure them that they’re safe and you and their dad are not going to leave them. It’s going to take a long time, but eventually, they’ll learn to cope with their mother’s actions.

    • you said that she in the area yes? well, here’s my advice for you: when the kids are at school, you and your husband call her, leave a message that you are going to visit. visit her. tell her that you need her to get her act together, and talk and/or visit your kids. tell her whats going on with your daughter, and your sons as well. it should work.

  13. Hold on for this one
    My wife ran away or as she put it (walked) with her boyfriend leaving my 2 daughters age 9 & 10 at the time. She had never really spent anytime with the girls showing them how to dress act or know what being a little lady was about. My sister would do their Hair and show the. What it is to be a girl. IE: shopping trips,spending time with her and even showing them what to do once their cycle started. She is a God send because there are some things that I as a man just don’t know how to begin to show them.
    My wife was involved in 3 affairs that I know of once she started working with a group of young unmarried and childless people on her job. One guy was one of these people another was one who had just got to her job this affair was emotional ( she never got to have sexton with him because after she had set up a secret expensive dinner and rock climbing date where she purchased for him a very expensive imported tea pot he told her hehad a woman he was going to marry and was not interested.) She awe shattered and then went buck wild. Hanging out getting drunk at these after work parties at her girlfriends house and then her sister hooks her up with her old boyfriend from high school. She the. Disappears. Every weekend and started becoming invisible for weeks at a time. My daughters are wonderful and are pursuing a carrier in golf. They had a consert at school and became sick. Me too! But they wanted to do the concert no matter. what so sick and all we went. My wife said she was going to the shore! She then. said ” ive seen them before I can miss this!” She theen walked out the door and disappeared for a week! I found out all about her affair. Confronted her and she argued packed a suitcase went out the door and went to her boyfriend. She lives with him now and even though she has had court ordered visitation she always hadst an excuse why she cant make it. Her boyfriend has laid on top of my daughter. Said very improper things to her. IE: ” you known im your mothers big daddy right!?” Taken them to what appears to be a drug deal and finally told them that he would have me killed! We’re. Going to court finally!
    I saved this part of the story for last to prove my point!…..Her other daughter lives with her father as well! She was married to another ma. And was cheating with her other daughters father when she became pregnant! She ran away from him as well!

    • Hello Awakened, I’m glad your finally wide awake….it sounds as if your doing a fine job by yourself, with less stress. let your ex go mentally we all want the best for our children but sometimes things just don’t work out the way we like. if you believe your children are being sexually abused; stop it, report it, say something. Let her live her unhappy life later on down the line she will have to explain herself to her children and I’m happy your family is helping the girls become awesome women… keep doing what your doing…..Naomi

  14. Good morning everyone. I’m in dire need of advice.

    I have a 15 month old baby girl. Her mother left us on Fathers Day, 2015, she was 4 months old. I’ve been a single dad ever since.

    Since then we have moved on, started our own lives.

    I sent my daughter to be with her Grandparents for the Thanksgiving Holidays. When it was time to come home, the grandparents said they were not giving her back because her mother wanted her. Completely out of nowhere.

    Now she’s suing me for 50/50 rights, child support and asking for a DNA test…I guess my question is, how can she just reappear from nowhere, take my baby and get away with it? When she left us, she said she was too depressed and couldn’t be a mom. I begged her to stay.

    Now my baby is gone. Local law refuses to get involved, for obvious reasons.

    Can anyone else relate?

  15. So my story is very similar to those on here and it all sickens me…I met my husband in 2013 in the beginning of his VERY nasty divorce with his ex-wife. Although I as NOT the cause (they had broken up numerous times before I even met him), of course, in her eyes, it was my fault. As we continued to see each other (I was NOT going to let someone scare me off…I’m not that easily intimidated), her Behavior went from bad to worse. They were both in the military at the time, and because the command(s) had to get involved, my husband was lucky enough to be awarded joint visitation since she was going to night school 2 times per week and their agreement was that he would watch their twin boys while she was at school. NO problem, right? WRONG!! We started noticing that the boys would be in dirty clothing, clothes that were WAY too small, WAY too big, unclean, etc. when we picked them up. She wouldn’t pay daycare on time and She wouldn’t bring in wipes, extra clothing or diapers for the boys (1-year-old twins mind you) and when she did bring in diapers, it would be 4. (You read that correctly, 4!! FOR TWIN BOYS!!!) When this happened, I or my husband would get called because the boys needed diapers. And of course, we would bring them. Why? Because I WILL NOT HAVE THEM GO WITHOUT JUST TO SPITE HER!!! As time moved on, the divorce finally went to mediation where it was decided that they would split legal and custody 50/50. You talk about PISSED!!! She started trying to tell the judge all these lies and by that point, the judge was over it and told her his judgement was final. Now, for the past 2 years, this woman has gone from bad to worse. Our oldest twin fell out of a second story window and she DIDN’T EVEN CONTACT MY HUSBAND!!!! It’s ALWAYS one excuse of another. She has gotten kicked out of the military (she got demoted for fraud and lost her rank resulting in higher tenure), lost custody of her 2 oldest daughters (from a previous marriage; they now live in a different state), has her license suspended for failure to pay child support, got evicted from military housing for multiple calls for police intervention for domestic violence AND got her car re’pod. It never ends with this woman. We are constantly getting phone calls from her “friends” who tell us that she leaves the boys home alone while in the club, with different men, etc. We have called CPS, her neighbors have called CPS, the military called CPS on her and still NOTHING gets done!! She just lies and lies and lies some more. We finally hired an attorney, and go to court soon enough. I seriously hope all these lies come to light (we have kept ALL the records of everything that has happened) and she loses custody. She refuses to work (she got a lump sum because she got out of the military) and hasn’t paid her half of daycare for months (court ordered).

    • Wow! It sounds like your family is going through a lot with the biological mother. I hope the lawyer can get this matter resolved immediately, this problem seems like it’s putting a little strain on your everyday life.

      Now that you know how she deals with the twins nothing she does from this day forward should be a shocker. I believe her behavior comes from a little jealousy. The only thing you can do at this time is pray, do your best with the twins and stand by your husband because he is going to need someone in his corner. Keep me posted…..Naomi

      • Well here is the UPDATE!!!! The judge subpoenaed testimony and CPS records based on our attorney’s request. Every truth we told, she said was a lie and the judge FINALLY said he wanted to get to the bottom of everything. In July 2016 we went to court for what the judge said be the FINAL outcome. We go with our attorney and guess who is a no-show?? That’s right the Bio-MOM!! The judge calls our case and asks the bailiff to see if maybe she is in the hallway, Nope. He then hands us a stack about an inch high and tells us to read CPS reports, military statements, interviews, and even character statements from HER colleagues and friends. NONE of them are positive. Every one of those documents states that she is a danger to the children, how she is using the children as pawns and how she is unfit. Even the JUDGE warns us that these papers were a “hard read”. (This is a man who sees these types of cases EVERYDAY) He then gives us an hour (Yes an hour) and we read the most horrific stories of emotional and physical abuse not only about the boys, but from her daughters too. By the time the judge comes back on the bench, he again asks the bailiff to see if she is in the hallway. She isn’t. He states that he is calling court back into order and whether she is there or not, he is going to issue his final verdict. We end of getting full physical custody of the boys and she now has monitored visitation for 8 hours per week. The sad part is that it has been over a year and she hasn’t seen the boys since October 2016. Before that, she only saw them 3 times for a total of 6 hours since July 2016 when we got full custody. The boys don’t ask about her anymore. At first, they did, but now as they are getting older, I think that they are slowly forgetting her. I am still mommy and they don’t know me as anything else. The sad part is, is that me and my husband actually prefer it this way.

  16. I know a mother in texas who does not love her son and shows him this act daily. he is having all kinds of problems due to this how can I help how can I get her help. any good advice as to who to talk with.

    • Not enough details…most of your comment seems to be an assumption. Are you related to this person? Are you the father of the child? What state does she live in, the only advice I can give you is to seek therapy with a family therapist in your area or if you think the child is being abused call your local police department and/or child welfare services…I hope this helps. Naomi

  17. I’m not sure how far reaching my comment will be but I’m hoping that perhaps a struggling step parent will come across this and know that they are not alone in their struggle to successfully raise a child that is not their own.
    It has been three years since my 8 yr step daughter has seen or heard from her bio mom. My husband and I have full custody of the child but neither of us wanted to keep her away from her mom. The bio mom decided to be neglectful and selfish, which is beyond my comprehension. My husband and I are constantly trying to reassure the child that she is wanted but her anxiety progressively grew worse. My husband and I have tried therapy with her, she is involved in extracurricular activities, shes a straight A student that is able to read at a 5th grade level, and is overall, a pretty good kid. In spite of our efforts, ultimately, all these things seem to be in vain. What it boils down to is that we are trying to patch up a void that can not be mended as long as her mother remains absent. My step daughter grew so anxious that she began to pull out her hair and eyebrows (Trichotillomania)so she is now on medication, which was our last resort, and it seems to be helping, some.
    The icing on this shit cake is that my husbands family, particularly, his siblings, have been less than supportive towards me and my efforts to raise their niece. Ironically, they were attacking me instead of the dead beat bio mom. Being a step mother is just like being a parent except you get none of the thanks and all of the blame and more often than not, you feel completely alone and utterly lost. As you can imagine, this was all a huge blow to my psyche. I spiraled into a deep depression. It was so bad that there was a period of time that I could not get myself to leave the house. But I fought through it and I am now a full time student working towards my degree.
    Of course, I still have days where I feel bitter and resentful towards bio mom but I constantly have to remind myself that I am doing my absolute best and if others do not feel that my best is good enough then thats fine but just know that my worth is not measured by how some may see me, especially if they have no clue as to what is really going on.
    Anyway, chin up step parents! We got this <3

    Thank you for reading my vent session 🙂 I am interested in encouraging feedback so if you have something negative to say to me, you may keep that to yourself.

    • Congrats holly, on not letting bio mom get in the way of your goals..is there something you left out of this story?? Holly, I myself don’t like when children are harmed in anyway, but I will not allow the situation or any individual’s (family members) put me in a state of depression.

      Now I understand it’s somewhat personal when you are taking care of someone else’s child and there is no kind of acknowledgement, I myself have been in that situation. But I say to myself God knows all I have done it came from the heart, I’m not looking for no awards. But I agree it would’ve been nice to hear “thank you for helping me take care of my child”.

      I myself want to give your a thumbs up for bringing the child up the right way in a clean, safe and loving environment. But please remember no one and I mean no one will or can ever take the place of mom.. that’s like me asking you to forget your mom, whether she was right or wrong in all her decision making as you grew up, you will always love your mom.

      The child is young, she doesn’t understand why she can’t be with mom right now. The only thing you can do is hold her and let her know she is loved…keep me posted on graduation….Naomi

    • Holly, women like us don’t get enough credit for the hard job we do. I have 4 stepkids, a 14 yr old girl, twin 16 yr old boys, and a 21 yr old girl. I also have an 8 yr old daughter and 11 yr old son of my own. My stepkids’ bio mom has slowly drifted out of their lives in the past year. Luckily, I’d already established a great relationship with them. But it’s still hard on them, my husband and I, and even my 2 younger children. My 14 yr stepdaughter has recently started therapy hoping that it’ll help with what she calls her “mommy issues”. Some days I struggle with my anger toward the bio mom. How could she just walk away from her kids? I worry about so many aspects of the situation. What will this do to my stepkids in the long run? I worry about the toll it’s taking on my little ones. I’ve had to give so much of my attention to my stepkids (especially my 14 yr old stepdaughter) that I feel like I’m neglecting my own children. My husband is a wonderful man and father but he has had to take so much extra work (bio mom pays no child support) that the majority of the parenting is left to me. It’s such a struggle and I’m just grateful to know that women like us aren’t alone in this. Best of luck to you, Holly.

  18. I met my fiancee in 2010. We will be married in just 20 short days. He has a child from a previous relationship, as do I, and we have a toddler. Things are not good with his son’s mother and to do this for the rest of our lives… something has got to change. They share physical and legal custody and have a week on/off parenting time schedule. Sounds good and dandy right? Except that she’s neglectful and inattentive to their son, and I truly believe she is a sociopath. When it comes to her parenting time, she passes their son off to her mother and brother every week she has him, sometimes he’s gone multiple nights out of her week. She frequents the “watering holes” around here, both when she does and does not have their son. (I couldn’t care less what she does with her off time.) She chooses not to work, but rather live off of food stamps and child support. Despite receiving support, she does not provide adequate clothing for him. He’s come to us more times than not in his toddler brother’s underwear and socks, oversized coats and undersized shoes. He seems unbathed when he comes to us, as his hair feels grimy and under his nails are black. This, on top of educational neglect… and our lawyer tells us it’s not enough to bring to court to modify custody….

      • Hello CJ, I was going over your story, this is how I look at it, I know you mentioned that on her parenting time her family watches the child, I think that is a great thing especially in her state of mind at this time.

        Sometimes it takes a village to raise a child. I’m sorry to hear he is being neglected at times but that’s where you and his dad step in, you two are his super heroes and he knows you all will be there to save the day..

        I know this is rough, but pray for him when he is not around you, take notes when you see him if you feel he needs therapy find a family therapist in your area and fill him belly up with love…Naomi

        • I’d love to say that I agree with you on him going to his family on her side, but her family abuses drugs and alcohol and her mother is mentally unstable. Why can’t he just be with dad if he isn’t wanted by mom?

          • Hello CJ, how have things been? fine I hope. I looked over your previous comment you only stated she just passes her parenting time over to her family members, you didn’t mention that they do drugs. If this is the case then Yes I agree, he should just be with dad if the law allows this. Maybe you should get a free consultation from a different law firm about this matter. Keep me posted….Naomi

  19. I was reared by a gracious and most of the time loving grandmother in West Tennessee along with a brother 17 months younger than I; in a small agricultural town called Brownsville,Tennessee. Our mother became pregnant with me when she was 16 years old and 17 months, my brother,came along. My grandmother, bless her heart, told our mother that she needed to leave town and make a life for herself. My grandmother sent her to St Louis Missouri to stay with one of her younger sisters. My mother never looked back. I am now 58 years old. My grandmother was our rock and protector from the time we were introduced to the world. My mother would occasionally send us a few pieces of clothing, come home once a year most years, only to show off her new clothes, talk about and show off her new husband and kid by him. He ultimately turned out to be abusive and she left him. She acquired money and a home and more over the years and has obssessed over the brother she had with the husband and his children! She has no relationship with me and my older brothers’ children and lies like she did what she could for us! She is a cancer between me and my brothers; expecting Mother’s Day and birthday gifts for which she does not deserve. She has told me that the youngest brother will get her house and will have power of attorney over her estate. He is delighted and takes her side when she bad mouths me especially. I was able to go to college and obtain an advanced degree and have had a good career. I confronted her for not helping support us! She goes into a rage about she didn’t have much and she did what she could! My brother , the one raised with me is pathetic and still tries to gain her love but does not know how she bad mouths him behind his back; calling him slow! He had a learning disability and was lucky to graduate high school! Our grandmother was a golden angel. Yet, my mother has gotten away with being a deadbeat mother. There should be a law to recoup support from unrepentant, bitter demons like this monster who is arrogant and boastful about what she did for herself but nothing for the two kids she abandoned! I received some counseling for my hate toward her but I know I need more! I have given her nice gifts through the years, diamond and pearls; undeserved! She remarked that she did not think I really wanted to give her those gifts! I could go on and on how she has slaughtered me behind my back for personal things I told her! Where is the end to this torturous demon’s rein to throw her venom at innocent kids she resented and abandoned so long ago!

    • Hi Lo on, I know exactly what your going through and what you have been through. My mother did nothing for me and my brother neither, to me she just kept myself and my brother in danger. She denied us love, care, and affection before throwing us to foster care and it got worse after we came home. Don’t want to give away to much of the book. But I went to therapy, but I didn’t feel a break through until I wrote the book..I said to myself why allow this to take over my life, I’m tried of being tired. I just mentally erased her out of my mind as my mother, but I still do show her respect if we talk it’s for about 5 mins and there is no communication for at least 3 months. I know this is not much help but I found my way, now it’s time for you to find yours….Naomi

  20. I know this site is to expose deadbeat mom’s and dad’s, but I am sincerely hoping that I can expose a mother for bad parenting. Her name is Suzyn Bronk, She lives in Winona MN. She leaves her 5 year old daughter with her mother or her mothers boyfriend every night. She never takes care of her Daughter. I recently found out that her ex-husband wants to have his daughter in his care when Suzyn is unable and unwilling to care for their daughter. When she is at work she puts her in a very expensive ($750 a month) daycare when her ex is willing to provide care for free. He tries to get Suzyn to let him care for their daughter, and she responds with “It’s my “parenting time” JOSH!” how is it her “parenting time” when their daughter is in a daycare facility that Josh is then forced to pay for on top of his $800/month child support?

    Josh is a Disabled Veteran. He deployed TWICE to Afghanistan the second resulting in him being blown up by an IED causing severe injury. The very day she received the call that he had been severely injured she filed for divorce. She steadfastly kept their young child away from Josh through the whole divorce process. Refusing to let him talk to their daughter. Unless she needed something then she would ask if he wanted to talk to his daughter. He would JUMP at the opportunity only for it to last 2 minutes before Suzyn would be screaming at the top of her lungs (in-front of THEIR daughter) at Josh demanding that he give her whatever she wants.

    Ok and now a little bit this daycare facility, it’s the worst I have ever heard of! From my own experiences the “teachers” don’t pay attention to the children and they run around doing whatever they want! And after talking to Josh about how he felt about this particular daycare he responded with “I don’t like my daughter going there, and Suzyn without my consent put her in there!” mind you they have joint LEGAL custody! My child went there for a week and I immediately pulled her out! Why? Because there is no structure and the kids run wild! To top it off both Josh’s and my child has experienced other children hitting them. I’m not talking like a playful hitting I mean full fledged punches to the face, arms, stomach, and groin, and also being pushed around. Josh talked to the director to the program and her response was “pick her up early on your days if you don’t like it!” SERIOUSLY?!?! He tried to bring this issue to Suzyn’s attention, She responded with “it’s normal for kids that age to beat up other kids Josh!” Again SERIOUSLY?!?!?!? it’s not good!

    Josh worries about his Daughter on so many levels. He worries about mental and physical wellbeing but mostly about he Hygienic and educational wellbeing. His daughter is only 5 and has 20+ cavities in her mouth (Josh has only recently in the last 9 months been able to see her on a regular basis because of having to fight so hard in court). She never seems bathed when he picks her up, and she is always in rags! Josh and his new Wife buy and send his daughter home with new clothes/shoes at least once every two months because Suzyn sends their daughter to school in clothes/shoes that are 2 sizes too small for her because she throws the new clothes away because they came from Josh and Cassie (his wife) and gets hand me downs from other people (including underwear! GROSS).

    He worries educationally because his daughter couldn’t even spell her name or recite the alphabet when he first started getting her regularly. She can’t read and when asked to read even the most simple words “To” “Cow” “Cat” “Dog” she completely shuts off! She didn’t know what state she lived in, and couldn’t even recite her “phone number”! These are major causes for concern as children should know where they live and a phone number. My children were taught all of these things at an early age. My 4 year old not only knows how to spell his name but also my phone number and our address, and he reads pre-school aged appropriate books!

    On top of all of this she DEMANDED that Josh return their daughter early from the Christmas Holiday because she wanted to make plans with their daughter. and instead of fighting her Josh had requested that he get their daughter for New Years to which she said no because she also had plans that she needed their daughter for. Now heres the kicker. She was out at the bar on New Years and was completely intoxicated. She even got a DWI that night! So a night she denied Josh his daughter not only was she out BREAKING THE LAW but she did not in fact have any reason to deny Josh that time, as she had just left their daughter with her Mother! SHOCKER!!! So no she did not walk out on her daughter, but do you really have to walk out on your child to be a dead beat? I am sincerely hoping to expose this Woman she is a monster and a neglectful parent!

    • Well Nicole, if it’s true what you just described, then this is one time I must agree with you, she is a deadbeat…but it also seems she is treating the child like this to get back at Josh….it’s a shame if she is using the child like this…Josh should try and find an family attorney. Also it seems the child is being bullied at daycare, Josh should speak to whom ever owns this daycare and let them know he will call the police if his child comes home hurt again and then social service will get involve, and that will also take of the mother….let me know how things work out, I will pray for the child….Naomi

      • Naomi,

        I just spoke with Josh and his new Wife and things aren’t good. The courts in the state where he is at are bias against men. Suzyn has perjured herself with the courts and Josh has provided proof and they are only ruling in suzyns favor. It doesn’t matter what physical evidence of abuse he has they turn a blind eye and let Suzyn continue to lie and do the things she is doing. She has resorted to stalking and identity theft. She mad a profile in Josh’s Wife’s name and started messaging his friends on Facebook today. They reported it to the police and because Suzyn denied having involvement they dropped it and told Josh there wasn’t anything they could do. He feels hopeless and he is in fear for his life. Josh recently found out Suzyn has been trying to get people to go after him and the cops don’t even care. It’s a mess. Sorry I don’t have a better update. 🙁

        Nicole

        • Nicole thank you for the update, wow this situation is certainly out of hand….I know no one wants to leave their home, but maybe Josh and the family should consider moving in a totally new state…I know it’s not as easy as it sounds but if your life is in jeopardy you do what you have to do, move out of there quick especially if your fighting a losing battle….Naomi

          • Naomi,

            Thank you for your advice! I talked to Josh and his Wife about your suggestion, and it seems many others have advised the same thing. They actually just moved a total of 9 hours away. As much as it sucked to see them go it’s the best thing they can do as it relates to their lives. The best thing about the situation is they will actually get his daughter for a longer period of time and actually get to enjoy her, meanwhile all of us (his friends and family) will keep a watchful eye on her so she doesn’t get mistreated.
            Thanks for everything!
            -Nicole

          • Hey Nicole your welcome, you played a big part also….I going with 4 beautiful minds working together to keep peace and harmony….Naomi

  21. I have been a deadbeat mom. When I was 18 I had twins with my long time high school boyfriend. We lived together with his parents who are great people. We divorced when our kids were 2 because we were just too young to be married and too different. I had to move in with my parents in a 3 bedroom apartment with 2 siblings- I slept on the couch. The kids had a nice, stable home with my ex and his parents so we all agreed it would be best for them to stay there. I stayed close however and came and visited them and took them out several times a week. This arrangement worked fine for about a year. Then my ex got a new gf (which I was fine with, I had moved on as well). However, his new gf moved into the family’s home with my children very early on, too soon in my opinion. It became very uncomfortable having my visits there with the kids while my ex and his GF were around. I started to feel inferior- this woman lived with my children and got to see them more than me because of it and started taking over my role as mom. She would even post pictures on Fb of my kids with captions like “oh doesn’t she look just like me.” WTF? She’s not your kid, why would she look like you?! It became a constant battleground between my ex, his new gf and I. Then the rule came up that I could no longer talk to my ex about our children because his gf was so insecure about me- I would have to contact her directly about visitation etc. she would get rude to me like they were her kids if I brought them back 5 min late because of traffic or if they fell asleep in the car on the way back (they were toddlers, I couldn’t control whether or not they fell asleep in the car!) she was just way too involved and posessive and was clearly trying to take over my role. Me being young and stupid, I just got so frustrated with all of it, I eventually saw my kids less and less… I didn’t want to fight with her, I didn’t want to have to talk to her to see my own kids and I honestly just gave up. I did exactly what she wanted me to do and was pushing me to do. I regret it every day. It’s not been 3 years since I’ve seen my kids. My ex ended up marrying the GF and now my kids call her mommy. I think she has plans to legally adopt them, I don’t know. I have contacted the kid’s paternal grandmother to try and work this out because she still takes care of them half the time. She has let my daughter email me and that’s it. I have not been able to see them or even email with my son and it’s been 10 months since I made contact again with the grandmother and started trying to get back into their lives. They say they are waiting for the kids to ask to see me before they will allow it but the kids are only 9 and they haven’t seen me in 3 yrs, why would they ask out of the blue to see me if they don’t know it’s an option? Anyway, I know that was has happened is 100% my fault, I know I should’ve fought harder for my kids. I’m older now and realize that giving up was the very last thing I should’ve done. But no matter how long it takes to reunify, I am not giving up this time. I just wish we had professional resources to help us figure out how to do this in the best way for the kids. I’m not sure that putting more time inbetween myself and the kids and losing out on any more time is the best route to take but that is the route my ex husband and his family are taking. I am not selfish, I want what is best for the kids but again, it’s been almost a year since I started trying to fix this and I still have very limited contact with my daughter and absolutely none with my son and I don’t know if them not having me in their lives for even longer is the best thing…

    • Get a lawyer and fight for your kids,you are not a deadbeat, so stop calling yourself that. No matter what people think about you that’s their opinion, just like you have your opinions about them. Get yourself together, get visitation rights, maybe some family therapy and when you see your children give them lots of hugs and kisses and I love you’s, kids love to hear that from their parents, if you think she or he is filling their heads with foolishness let the lawyer know…..Naomi

        • You honestly don’t know the impact it is to hear “you are not a deadbeat.” Thank you for your kind and sound advice. I was expecting to get ripped apart and maybe apart of me feels like I deserve that but that isn’t going to get me anywhere. People automatically assume if you as a mother don’t have your kids that you must have abused them and they got taken by CPS, etc and that you are an awful person. That is the case a lot of times but there are a lot of circumstances that can lead to this, especially the epidemic of teen pregnancy in this country. I was 19 with very little family support and no money, he was 21 with a very supportive family with lots of money and this is how the cookie crumbled. Should I have given up? Of course not. But they fail to recognize (even his 60 year old parents) that having his new gf move in after dating her just a couple months and basically start playing mommy and allowing her to interfere with my relationship with my children as she did was wrong, I would have never not been involved in my kids’ lives it that wouldn’t have happened the way that it did. No one even told me that she moved in- the first time I met her was a couple days when she moved into the home with my children and I walked in for my visit with my kids and this stranger is holding my daughter like oh by the way I live here now! It was so inappropriate but they will never realize that or understand how hard that was to deal with at such a young age. All they do is demonize me and act like I am heartless. They saw me raise my children for the first several years of their lives, they saw me handle newborn twins at 18 years old like an old pro, deep down they know I am not a bad person or a bad mother but avoiding taking any responsibility is more important to them so they demonize me. They led me to believe that they had all the power and I had none and I stupiditly and naively believed them. Anyway, you are right- I need to take a more aggressive approach before any more time is lost. I have done it their way all this time and it’s gotten me nowhere. I sincerely thank you from the bottom of my heart for that response, I think you just changed mine and my kids’ lives. Keep doing what you do with sensitivity and understanding- it makes a difference.

        • Naomi it has been 2 years since I wrote and you replied so compassionately. I am happy to say that I see my children now several times a week and have been seeing them for almost 2 years now. Although I still think I was not the only person at fault, I have move past that and I am best friends with my kids’ step mom. They call us both mom and I am okay with that. We are moving toward overnight visits. I get to go to all of my kids’ school and athletic events. Step mom and I co-parent wonderfully and also genuinely have a friendship outside of the kids. To see my children light up when they see me, to hug them and hear them say I love you again is everything. Thank you again for your compassionate response to me, you truly helped me get to a different path headed toward my kids. I am just so happy.

  22. I met my now husband in 2010 (married in 2013), and he had joint legal custody of his son D since he was 9 months old, and I have a daughter from a past relationship who is 8, plus “our” son who is 2 1/2.
    When I met D he was only 4 years old and had severe separation anxiety. For example at 4 he never attended his church class until a year or so after dating my husband, when we decided both of our children should attend Sunday school. D and my husband lived with my husband’s parents until 2012, until we all merged together and were expecting. This was very difficult for D and my husband’s mother, as she was the one who had been the most constant woman in his life, even before his own mother. This caused many issues, but she and I have came a long way, now that she knows how much I love D and am just as defensive as she is. As for D’s Bio-M, I always knew she was in and out, had a history of drug use and never paid support. She was full of lies, disappointment and seemed like she only wanted D now that my husband and I have married. It has been an ongoing battle with her, and I honestly could choke the life out of her. I thinks she is a terrible excuse of a “mother” and I don’t feel she even deserves that title. My biggest conflict comes now that my son is 9 and his bio-m is back again, and wants her mother of the year award. It saddens me to see how much he adores a woman who is completely selfish. She has every means to pay support or even see him, but when something goes wrong it’s everyone else’s fault but hers . She dresses nice, hair and nails are freshly done, more than capable to work and have all the luxuries in life that she feels she deserve, but gives none of that to D. She describes herself as #1Mom, and that he is her world. Mind you this is the woman who will leave months at a time and thinks that a phone call will suffice as forming a bond with a child. She continues to lie, manipulate this poor little guy who I dearly love, and I am sick of it. The courts have done nothing, besides raise her support, and now give supervised visits. We are thousands of dollars in the whole and she has probably only paid $1000 his entire life. Money really isn’t the issue, it’s the physical absence, mental and emotional abuse caused.

    Now that this has gone on for so long it is beginning to ruin our family. My husband believes he’s doing the right thing by allowing her in his life, but my question is this…How many times does she get to abandon him?? I disagree with her being involved and honestly in my heart feel she has nothing positive to offer, and maybe that’s my protective mother instinct. I am labeled as the “step-mom, but my role defines me as Mom, and I have a huge problem with that. My husband tends to work extensive hours, which has left many of his responsibilities now on me, which I don’t mind but it hurts me to the core, when I make the doctor’s appointments, go to school functions, plan birthday parties, make his favorite meal, sit down for hours doing home work, signing him up for sports and there cheering him on each time,…… yet she gets the glory…Why?  I am at the point where I am ready to let go of my marriage, because I feel this awful hurt and void knowing I’ll never be anything, so why try.

    • Hello EFH, I feel your pain, that is a very complicated situation, it sounds like you have given your all and now your ready to give up. If you love your husband and that child then you fight for them. Your husband is probably not sure how to handle this situation, but he must remember that you count too. I’m not sure where you live but some family and maybe some marriage counseling can make this work. You sound like such a beautiful person with a caring heart, I wish you and your family the very best. Let me know how things go……Naomi

      • Thank You for your response. We live in Indiana, where I feel like it’s exactly what people refer to as “a woman’s state.” I do have a question, if a parent is only allowed supervised visits, and she goes to his school is she breaking the law? and could she be arrested?
        I feel so discouraged sometimes, and I have made a appointment for counseling for myself. I am hoping this will help me vent and not take it out on my family who I love. Thank You.

        • Try 1866-dadslaw and read below

          FEATURED LEGAL SERVICESFirm Image
          The Law Offices of Toni Ann Russo
          Hackensack, NJ
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          NJ Divorce Firm-Serving Bergen/Passaic Since 1991-Free Consultation.
          Parental Visitation Rights FAQ
          48 36.4K Download article as PDF Download article as a PDF

          Child custody issues are never easy and visitation is often a primary concern of individuals going through a divorce. As an intial matter, it’s important to know your state’s child custody laws. Next, below you will find some of the most frequently asked questions regarding parental visitation rights after a separation or divorce.

          The judge mentioned “reasonable visitation,” what does that mean?
          If the judge presiding over your separation or divorce determined that you or your ex-spouse was entitled to “reasonable visitation,” this generally means that it is left to the parents of the child (you and your ex-spouse) to come up with a plan of parental visitation time. When the parents are still able to cooperate, this is generally preferred over other means of determining visitation schedules because it allows the parents to work around their respective schedules.

          In practice, however, the parent that has custodial rights will generally have more power and influence over what is considered “reasonable visitation” in terms of times and durations. The custodial parent has no legal duty to agree to any proposed visitation scheduled. However, if a parent is being inflexible just to be malicious towards his or her ex-spouse, a judge may take this into consideration if that parent asks for something later on.

          In order for a reasonable visitation schedule to work, parents must be willing to communicate with each other in sane, rational manner. If you know or think that you and your ex-spouse will not be able to cooperate in a reasonable visitation plan, you should tell the judge so and insist on a fixed visitation schedule instead. In addition, if you and your ex are currently under a reasonable visitation plan that is not working, you may go back to the court and ask for a different arrangement in terms of parental visitation rights.

          The judge placed me on a “fixed visitation” schedule, what is that?
          In general, a fixed visitation scheduled is one where the judge orders times (and sometimes places) where the non-custodial parent is to have parental visitation. For example, a non-custodial parent could have visitation rights on Monday and Wednesday nights, or only on holiday weekends. Courts are more inclined to place parents on fixed visitation schedules when it appears clear that there is still conflict between the parents or when the parents are not willing to cooperate with each other. In addition, some courts are more inclined to issues fixed visitation schedules because it provides some stability that children can rely upon in a generally upsetting and confusing period of their lives.

          My ex-spouse was often physically abusive to both me and our children. Despite this abuse, he/she still got visitation rights. How can I prevent abuse during child visitation time?
          If your ex-spouse has a history of abuse, especially towards your child or children, you can point this out to the court when the court is deciding parental visitation rights. Generally speaking, if a court thinks that the non-custodial parent is likely to harm or abuse the child during his or her visitation time, the court will order that all visitation be supervised. This means that any time the non-custodial parent spends with the child must be in the presence of another adult (other than the custodial parent) that will prevent any abuse of the child. This other person could be someone agreed upon by the parents of the child, or sometimes it is a person that is appointed to the role by the court. However, all supervisors must be approved by the court before he or she can fill their role.

          Do my children’s grandparents have a right to visitation?
          Every state in the county has some sort of law that allows types of grandparent visitation. Through these laws, grandparents (and sometimes others, like foster parents or stepparents) can ask a court to grant them the right to continue their relationships with the child or children. However, each law is a little different in what a grandparent needs to show in order to get this legal right. In addition, courts will generally give great weight to a parent’s decision to limit grandparent visitation.

          Less than half the states in the union have restrictive statutes when it comes to grandparent visitation. In these states, it is sometimes only possible for a grandparent to get visitation rights in certain circumstances, like if one of the parents has died.

          The remainder of the states generally have more permissive laws that allow the granting of grandparent visitation rights even if all the parents are alive. However, what is kept in mind in most situations is the well-being of the child.

          What if a non-custodial parent fails to exercise his or her designated parenting time with the minor child(ren)?
          Some custodial parents may seek to modify a visitation order based upon a non-custodial parent’s failure to exercise defined parenting time. While this may be appropriate in certain circumstances, many atorneys argue it is not the best course of action. After all, reducing parenting time for failure to exercise that time may not be understood by children. Often, when a non-custodial parent fails to exercise parenting time, the goal should be to bring that parent back into the child’s life to ensure that both parents are as involved as possible with the lives of their children. The child may suffer the emotional stress or trauma of feeling unloved or unwanted.

          That said, some states have broadly addressed this concern by statute. In Minnesota, under a generic and mutual provision of the parenting time statute, the Court, if it finds that a party has wrongfully failed to comply with a parenting time order or a binding agreement regarding parenting time, may order the following remedies: 1) impose a $500.00 civil penalty; 2) require a bond to be posted to secure compliance with the order; 3) award attorneys’ fees; 4) require the party who violated the parenting time order or binding agreement or decision of the parenting time expeditor to reimburse the other party for costs incurred as a result of the violation of the order or agreement or decision; or 5) award any other remedy that serves the best interests of the children. California has a similar provision. In Tennessee, a Court may deviate upward from statutory guideline support due to a non-custodial parent’s failure to exercise defined parenting time. Not all states have agreed with this concept, and some courts have held that a Court cannot coerce a parent to become more involve

          – See more at: http://family.findlaw.com/child-custody/parental-visitation-rights-faq.html#sthash.5es9Vh4F.dpuf

        • hi EHF, i love this website and my comments are the one’s below. And i have endured what u have now for almost a decade! But!!!! there is light at the end of your tunnel. I PROMISE!!!! i stepped in my children’s lives when they were 18 mos and 3 yrs old. And i say my children because i do not feel the Bio mom has any right to be called their mother. And Naomi is right, your husband is torn because his son is torn. And my kids were always torn, however my husband was gung ho after all her lies and abuse to the children to NEVER let her have ANY KIND OF UNSUPERVISED contact. But youre right when is enough, enough? the fact is, the courts (in any state i have found) are NOT willing to cut moms out like they are the fathers. However, I think with the situation with my hubby, that the courts are getting more and more educated each time around to how moms can be just as destructive. So i agree that your hubby should be extremely leery of letting her back in like that. it will only hurt their son. My hubby and I, fought tooth and nail and have been to court literally hundreds of time and have spent thousands of dollars, but the fact it that it is worth all of it. She needs a psych eval
          My hubby after all this time still has SOLE custody of his kids and she gets only 2 hours a month with heavy supervision. and its been this way for almost 6 years now.
          Now as far as his adoration for her, he is still very young. and they will not see it yet. My kids are now 9 and 11 and they see EVERYTHING now. And its not pretty for her. They refuse to visit with her, talk to her and listen and be subjected to lies anymore. We did ALOT of counseling for both kids and it takes time. but you and your husband can prevail. I am all for little to NO contact with kids by a mom if she cannot be what she should be, a MOTHER.
          email me if u have any questions.
          and as far as the school goes, any time she would attempt to come to the school, the police were called because of the order and she was NEVER allowed to come on to the premises unless my husband and i were both present. but if u go back to court, GET SPECIFIC LANGUAGE TO PROTECT YOU FROM THIS. AND NEVER SETTLE WITH HER, NEVER LET HER HAVE MORE THAN AN INCH!.
          kristihyatt@gmail.com
          hope this helps

        • Hi EHF – I saw your story a couple weeks ago and it really stood out to me. I’ve been thru almost the exact same thing. It’s so hard to walk the line between step-mom – full time MOM and wife.

          I met my, now husband almost 9 years ago – his sons from a previous marriage were 2 and 5. We always had “little” issues with his ex-wife, but about 5 years ago, we started to see changes. She lost a huge amount of weight -she frequently had black eyes and bruises – never seemed to have any money for the boys, even though my husband always paid his child support…and other support above and beyond what he was required to do. It took about 6 months for it to come out – but addiction was the issue. We got some great advice, when things started to change……KEEP TRACK OF EVERYTHING. Every email, every text – document phone calls, issues – keep a diary or calendar. Involve a third party if neccessay (ie, school, doctor office, police wellness check) My husband was finally able to gain full custody and we have moved away from the area. His ex-wife has not seen the boys in almost 3 years. She’s thousands of dollars behind in child support and to the best of our knowledge, not sober these days. It’s taken quite a bit of time – and a lot of money…. and lot’s of counseling for all of us……..BUT things do get better. I offically adopted the boys last week. Please remember the kids need you…..not every choice will be easy….and when there are no good choices, choose what’s best for the kids in the long run. Hang in there – stand your ground – if you and your husband present a united front and have your ducks in a row……there’s nothing that can’t be done. Good luck!!

    • I wrote this about 9 months ago and wanted to give a update.

      So many things have changed with my family. My husband is still fighting the ongoing battle of court after almost 3 years. We have 2 separate cases, one for support and the other for visitations. As of now all the Birth Mom has to do is pay a lump sum a couple days before court and they honor that as effort, then continue it. Our lawyer has stated she wants to drop our case because she is 10K behind and the state will now prosecute her, which will work in our favor.
      She doesn’t take her visits because she has to pay for them and of course says she can’t afford it. The court has ordered mediation (cost $300 for us, and she didn’t show), and DRCB for our family including me. After she didn’t show to mediation, she gave the excuse she’s pregnant now and can’t work or lift, because her hours/salary were cut. The court ordered meditation at a affordable cost $90 for us, $10 for her, based on her excuse. The court system is beyond unfair and continues to allow her to put in no effort. She is not allowed to attend his school, but is allowed to attend public events, but she cannot talk to him. This feels like it’s never going to end.

      On the brighter side my husband and I are in serious prayer and the glory to God he is working on us and I know he will protect us. The Lord is my protection, not the justice system. 

  23. WOW!!!!! i finally found a website that recognizes there are deadbeat moms out there! My husband got sole custody of his two children 6 years ago and his ex wife continues to this day with restricted and supervised access. When they split she pulled the “sexual abuse card” and coached their daughter (who was only 3 at the time) to say he was abusing her. We went thru an onslaught of CPS case workers and police detective and come to find out that she had taken her to the Emergency room for rape exams over 15 times to try to prove the abuse. which never was founded. my husband took 2 polygraphs and passed and then they asked to take one and she refused. she has abandoned them 5 times since we have had custody and even once when we were in litigation. and also walked away from her 2 year old son who was in an accident and almost lost his life telling us it was not her problem. I am thankful everyday that the court finally saw thru her lies. They awarded my husband sole custody and she was put on supervised visitation. she then signed affidavits to voluntarily terminate parental rights but then came in guns blazing in court saying that we had forced her to sign and we filed. Mind you this was after an 18 month absence. She was put on severely restricted visitation schedule but kept harassing the school officials to come see the kids. She would refuse to buy christmas or birthdays or school stuff. But yet she would party and have fun with the money she claimed to never have. still does to this day. we finally moved out of state to escape the tirade of her wrath. After moving she tried took us to court and tried to get us restrained from leaving and it didnt work. the teachers said they had never met her and my stepsons doctors said that she was never there for his care. The whole 11 months we were in this last litigation she REFUSED visitation at our sole expense because she didnt want to be supervised and she REFUSED phone calls and facetime. we went back to court and she is now after all this time trying to call and reestablish her relationship with the kids. They have gotten to the point they do not talk to her and have refused visitation. They call me mom and i feel like they are in the best place with their father and their mother (me) and not the incubator that carried them for 9 months.

    • Hey Kristi, I love your story it has an happy ending. my mother was somewhat like this, if she even thought my father was making us laugh more than her, she pick us up from his house and try an hide us just to keep drama going with him. They have a saying misery loves company.

      You and husband are doing a great job, keep those babies safe and happy. Happy holidays to you and yours…..Naomi

      • it is amazing to read these posts because so many ppl do not think or want to accept the fact that there are deadbeat moms. and the courts give the dad’s hell. I thank God every day that our story turned out well because i know so many that do not. And thankfully the original jurisdiction is in texas, and that is not the place to be if you are obligated to pay child support. She has been paying us child support and providing medical support but she only caught it up this year and only because we were going back to court. So she only pays because the state of texas makes her pay. But honestly, i wish she would voluntarily relinquish her rights because i would much rather do without the support and not have to have my kids deal with her.

        • I’m glad to hear Texas is keeping some of these mother’s in check.. I understand this is a hectic situation, but she should do her part in helping to take care of the children. Here in New York the court system sets up direct deposit so there is little communication between the parties if that’s what they choose. Kristi don’t let this break your spirit, things will come together soon enough.. Naomi

          • i think things are getting somewhat easier because the kids are getting older. i have encouraged her numerous times in the past to call and come to school functions, her son’s surgeries but she won’t do it. i have just never understood how a mother can say no to visitation, calling, attending activities but then turn right back around and tie us up in another litigation. we pay more in attorney fees every year than she does in child support. and when she is around the kids, even with supervision, her emotional abuse and brainwashing continues. and we just recently got an order to do all communications thru talkingparents.com and it makes things alot less stressful. thanks for ur encouraging words! i would love to read ur book also.

          • Hey Kristi, when ever you ready just click the books icon at the top of the page and it will lead you to Amazon and you can purchase the book there….Thank you for your support….Naomi

  24. I’ve had full custody of my so for over 9 years now without any kind of child support. I guess my son was lucky though. His deadbeat mom (and my ex-wife) didn’t even fight for custody, even partial, and just signed it over. She lives in the same city with her boyfriend and younger daughter and my son sees/speaks to her son bi-monthly if he’s lucky. This has had its fair share of negative effects on him, but it was nothing that a good father/son team couldn’t get through.
    I recently re-married to a wonderful woman who had no problem with becoming ‘mom’, and does a damn fine job of it.

    • I’d like to add that my ex-wife has NO substance abuse problems and no diagnosed mental/emotional problems. She went from being verbally/emotionally abusive to being uninvolved in his life. She claims to love him and have a great relationship with him as well as joint custody with regular child support towards those who don’t know the situation.
      My son, wife and I are moving to a new city where he intends to never mention the existence of this ‘mother’ and plans on referring to his stepmom as his ONLY mother.

      • Change is always good. His mom knows she has moved on emotionally, accept this, because she knows he is better off without her. I’m happy you have found someone that loves your son as much as you do. I wish you and your family much love and happiness…Happy Holidays Naomi

    • Update:
      We are now in a new city. We’ve been here for over 2 weeks and my son’s mother hasn’t tried to contact him in any way. It IS what I wanted, but it’s a bit sad none the less…

      • Hi John, I know it’s sad, sometimes things don’t go as planned, but you and his new mom, give him all the love he deserves and who knows, when you least expect it she will come around… Try to have a happy holidays..remember whatever will be will be…..Naomi

  25. This is my story and I hope it helps someone out there. I have two boys from my marriage that ended in divorce about 5 years ago. We had a really nasty divorce with multiple court hearings. It came out in one of the hearings that my X was cheating on me as well as documented as her lying in Court. At this point my lawyer did want me to go for full custody but I decided at the time it was better for the kids to take a 60/40 so we could all move on. (I had the 40) At that time I was paying Child Support, Medical, Dental, Vision, Life Insurance, etc. Looking back I should have went for full custody but I did not want to upset the kids anymore than what was happening from the stress of the divorce.

    After about a year my X decides that she is going to relocate out of state. I fought the relocation of the kids in Court and won. My X decides that she is going to leave anyway but never actually said the words. She just starts leaving the kids at my home then takes off for weeks on end. Finally she told the boys when she was dropping them off that she would be back and then never returned. She ended up leaving the state and getting remarried. The bad thing here is that again she never said she was relocating out of state. I went to court once to try to get the Child Support Adjusted and finally after a year of waiting I was able to get the Court to recognize that she was not coming back and they actually put in an order for her to pay child support. (Did I mention that during this time I was still paying Child Support to her for over a year even though I had the kids!)
    Now it’s four years later and she has paid only what the Enforcement has been able to make her pay. (It’s over 25K owed as of now) It’s really not fair as when I was paying her I always took care of the kids no matter what but I have learned that although the courts try to be fair it’s an uphill battle when your the male. The money would really help out but again I am dealing with a dead beat mom and figure I’ll take care of our kids if she won’t.

    My oldest boy has had major problems with his mother leaving. I’ve had him in psychiatric treatment and most recently treatment for drug use as well as being kicked out of school for bad behavior.
    My youngest boy has dealt with the loss of his mother in a much more positive way although he feels he was betrayed and lied to by her. I also make sure the boys call their mother as I want them to know her but what I am running into is her continually saying she is coming back soon…. and she never does which end up hurting them more and more. My youngest son is starting to call her a liar when he gets off the phone with her which is really sad. I do not allow the boys to say bad things about their mother and I do get on to him about it but when I think about it I have to agree with my son. (I just don’t tell him that)

    I do not plan to fight my X for any of the Child Support in Court as I do not want the kids involved in it. MY X would definitely tell them that I would be taking her to court and trying to put her in jail. (I can just picture it as I’m wring this) Being a single parent is hard but I already know the mother would just not pay and in the end I think it would be bad for our family.

    So I guess my point to all this is that sometimes us dads turn out to be good moms not because we have to but because we want to. I hope what I wrote can help some of you. If I could go back I think it would have definitely been better for the boys if I would have chosen to go to court once for full custody rather than the five times I had to go to get everything resolved. But we all do what we think is best for our kids it’s just sometimes it’s not apparent at the time.

    Well that pretty much is my story. I did not plan to write so much but I guess I actually had more to say that I thought.

    • Wow Brian, talking about a stand up guy, I want to give you three thumbs up on a job well done…despite your (X’s) behavior you remain focus on what’s really important, your kids….if you believe that the conversations your children are having with their mother is doing more harm then help stop the calls, and maybe get a counselor to help you work that part out…thank you for your story I know it will inspire others..Naomi

  26. I’m the soon to be stepmom to 4 great kids, ages 20, 15yr old twins, and a 13yr old. I also have 2 kids of my own, ages 10 and 7. My fiancé divorced in 2013. When they separated he continued to pay her mortgage (he left her the house) and utilities. He left her with a vehicle and over $3,000 to get her license back (He found out shortly after they separated that she lost her license 1yr prior to their separation) He also paid for whatever the kids needed and even helped his ex with groceries and things like that. In the divorce, they agreed on 50/50 custody, and he pays $600 a month child support for the 3 minor children. And she also gets $600 a month in food stamps. In the past year and a half, his ex has had 6 jobs, none for longer than a month. She got fired from 2 of them for stealing money. The house was foreclosed on in May 2014. She had an apartment in July and got evicted in September. The twins have stayed with her a total of about 30 times in over a year. The 13yr old did stay with her mom about 50% of the time, but now that her mom doesn’t have a place of her own, she only goes on the weekends. And my fiancé has always paid for medical expenses, school and sports activities, cell phones, etc. He’s finally filed papers for modification because it’s ridiculous. She in no way supports the kids (although she has a cell phone for herself!) and that money is called CHILD support, not alimony.

    • And please don’t take my story as a complaint of having these kids with us all the time! I love my crazy Brady bunch family! All 6 kids get along great. It’s just so frustrating to do all that we do and still pay their mom $600 a month for nothing. That and she has drug mine and my fiancé’s names through the mud in an attempt to make herself look better. I’m just really glad to have found your site, it makes me know I’m not alone.

      • Hey dawn thanks for visiting the site. It sounds like you are very supportive in your husband’s plight.. he and you sound like awesome parents so keep up the good work…I know it seems unfair with the child support, but remember the saying “all good things will soon come to and end”…Naomi

        P.S if you get a chance get a copy of the book, some parts of the book gives explanation why some parents alienate…now on Amazon and Barnes and noble online.

  27. I’m a dead beat of 4. I haven’t seen my kids in 2 years. I don’t put them first. I don’t keep jobs because I owe child support.

    • Hey Krystal thanks for the comment. Krystal it seems like you have given up. I’m not sure what happened but if this is the path you have chosen then so be it. I’m quite sure where the children are you feel comfortable with that. It’s never to late to work things out with your children, there guardian, and the department of child support. Whenever your ready the ball is in your court…..Naomi

  28. I am a deadbeat mother. I am a compulsive liar, selfish and at times careless. I don’t put my children first as I know I should. I suffer from depression and suicidal thoughts. I have failed both of my children since they were born and feel they would be better off without me. I love them both dearly but the hurt from feeling like a failure makes it so easy for me to turn my backs on them. I need to get myself help but I manipulate those around me into believing everything is alright. I am not posting this for sympathy or to read the hurtful remarks. I simply wanted to put it out there that their are definitely deadbeat mothers. I sadly and regrettably am one and would give anything to change that.

    I wish all the best of luck. I hope one day I can get my life together! My children don’t deserve a bad life. I chose them and I should choose to make their lives amazing just like they are.

    • Michelle I like the fact that you kept it real…my job is not to judge you. But it sounds like you know what you have to do to get your life in order….as far as your children is concerned take things one day at a time, begin with I love you and how was your day, they love that…if you get a chance get a copy of my book it not only speaks about parenting situations it speaks about forgiving…Naomi

  29. My husband’s ex stopped paying child support just before the birth of her 3rd child. She said she was going to back to work in 5 years. That was 3 years ago. She has gone back to work, and promised the oldest she’d start paying as soon as she did, but of course she didn’t. Thank goodness for the information the kids gave us and child support enforcement because they garnish her checks now. But I guarantee if we didn’t have that we wouldn’t be getting any. The situation has become worse now because her husband was emotionally abusing the kids when they visited, enough to put one of them in the emergency room with threats of suicide, and she’s chosen to tell us and the kids it’s the kids being too sensitive, so we stopped sending them. We’ve tried to set up times for her to see the kids, but she’s always working. The one time we did manage to arrange something she never even hugged them. She’s stopped calling them, telling us she’s too depressed to pick up the phone and call, but they can call her. They haven’t because they think she’s mad at them. Can’t say as I blame them. I wouldn’t want to open myself up to more blame and rejection either.

    • Well a great decision was made when the children stopped visiting her home. Time changes everything, you all just keep protecting them as you’ve been doing, because right now they need all the love and support they can get. Their biological mother will hopefully coming around, and let’s hope when she does it’s not too late…..Naomi

  30. I have been reading through your site the last few days, and wish there was some more information. My boyfriends daughter has a dead beat mom, she just left her kids at midnight this weekend to go to AC at midnight and she left her 12 y.o daughter and less then 1 year old son with friends who didn’t even know she left. And that is just the icing on the cake, the problem is her daughter sees this all occur. Wish there were books that she could read to help her deal with her mom…..Maybe type of stories that she can read and relate to without so much being all in her face. She needs to come to her own realization on her mom, but we want her to know that how her mom acts is not normal and she can be upset at her mom for what she does. We are thinking of seeking councilling but its so expensive and of course her mom pays for nothing at all. Just reaks havoc and leaves after a few days. We are left cleaning up her mess and all with her daughter. Its heartbreaking that someone can care so little about something they gave birth to and not even realize what they do is wrong. If you know of any books or ways to help get counciling for her that would be great, we are in northern new jersey. Thank you and sorry that you had to go through this situation yourself.

  31. I was raised by a single father and my mother was a horrible deadbeat. When i was a toddler she tried to get custody of me to get child support from my father even though I lived with him at the time, he earned plenty of money to care for me and she had no job. Luckily things worked out in my favor. He never kept me from her but she never showed up on Fridays to pick me up for the weekends so eventually I got old enough to stop waiting/asking. She paid no child support and my little sister by a different father was raised by our maternal grandparents. It wasn’t until i was 12 I learned she’d been on drugs since I was 3 (while pregnant with my sister) and when I was 14 she was admitted into the hospital and detoxed but she never got her act together other than that. She never got a job, lives with her parents still, and is a horrible influence on my little sister (now 16). She once told her to ‘hurry up and get a boyfriend’ because she wants grandchildren.
    My father passed away a few years ago and I had no choice but to move in with my grandparents (and her as well) and it was only 3 days before I moved in with a friend because she and i argue so much. She wants me to treat her the way i always treated my father, she tells me all the time that she’s my mother so i should love and respect her as such but she takes every moment to put me down or encourage me to do things like drop out of high school and college, stop studying architecture, stay in unhealthy relationships, have children (i’m 19) Sometimes i think she wants my sister and I to turn out like her so she doesn’t have to feel bad about herself, or just so we can’t say we turned out just fine without her in our lives. Not only do i not consider her my parent at all, I really dislike her influence on my little sister so there is very little way we are ever going to be friends.
    I get so angry when people don’t acknowledge the existence of mothers like this, or think that fathers are always bad parents. Most people don’t believe me when I say i was raised by my father. some people who only know my mother assume she raised me and my father was never in the picture. I am very quick to correct these people.

    • Hey tarina Good job on correcting those that don’t believe. My book talks about this also. Keep in mind everything your father taught you, I did that’s why at your age I was on my own, I no longer aloud anyone to ruin my life anymore. I don’t know your situation but don’t give up finish school, find you some work, get your own place only if you can afford it and it’s in a safe neighborhood take your sister and move on. As time goes by your heart will heal. Then later on in life if you decide to sit down an talk it out with your mom, do so. Naomi…P.S. send me an email to my promoter with an address and I can send you a free copy of the book.. adrian_munnings@msn.com

    • Hi, I’m sorry your mother is that way. I have a pretty good idea how you feel. I agree, we’re so quick to believe the stereotype of the deadbeat dad, and refuse to label the mom as a deadbeat, even when the signs are loud and clear. My boyfriend’s children’s mother is a complete deadbeat. She doesn’t pay child support, but she’s got him on the hook for it and she barely takes care of their kids. They’re always at my house, every weekend, every holiday, andytime they don’t have school. She dropped them off for the summer without even discussing it with us, and left them here with no clothes, shoes, underwear, etc. She doesn’t call them, when her daughter calls her she barely speaks to her. She always drops them off dirty, unkempt, and as a result of how she does them, we have to deal with behavior issues with the kids. I’m trying to help him now at least get his child support case reviewed, and hopefully one day he’ll be able to get full custody so he and his kids won’t be held hostage by her selfishness and drama.

  32. My ex wife is a real deadbeat. When we met in 1999 I was working two jobs and had money in the bank. She had four sons from previous relationships. We got married and were living in New York State. I was at work and one day she dumps the kids with biological family and runs off to Florida to live with some guy. Now she had cheated many times so I was not surprised. To walk out on your own kids though. New York in all its wisdom hit me the nonadoptive stepfather for child support. I was still paying two yrs after we divorced on my petition. She has never repayed a penny. She has since remarried and lives in Pueblo Colorado. Has run her kids off.

    • Hey Ian thanks for leaving a comment. I’m sorry this happened to you and the children, but what’s great about it is you know the kids is ok because they are with you. I give you a thumbs up for being a great father, just because she moved on doesn’t mean the grass is greener on the other side……Naomi

  33. I have two kids one is 5 her name is jamiya & my oldest is 6 her name is kamyah, I’m on child support for them both. I pay my biweekly payments for them faithfully cause it comes out my check. I haven’t seen my two girls since I moved away to better myself. I’ve asked there mother on several different occasion to send them to me when there out of school, but they both tell me no. I’ve tried the court system and I can’t get the help I need or want. It’s very hard when the system sympathies with mothers over fathers. I wanted to know if u had any advise or suggestions that would be helpful to me and my situation

  34. I need some good advice, my son’s mother and I have joint custody of our 11yr old son. I currently pay in child support 550 a month and I never get the child tax credit. Since 4th grade due to my son’s mother being active duty military, she claimed bc if her job she would deploy at her unit. So I took my son for a year. Then he went back in 5th grade…
    She lied to me an never deployed one time that year. She did pay his child support but didn’t pay any extra out of her pocket. She always calls me a deadbeat father and puts me down and says she wished I would just die!!! She makes really good money off the tax payer. She is a Gunnery Sgt with atleast 15yrs in. With that pay she gets $2,000.00 for housing tax free, over $300 tax free for food and gets money for having a dependent while on active duty. Plus the child support and the tax exemption.
    My son has been with me since June of 2013 bc he wants to stay with Dad. Bc his mother hates me, she just stopped on her own paying or helping with my son. But their is nothing I can do bc nothing was taken back to court. My son knows she isn’t helping and I know it hurts him. So I’m basically paying her alimony. She is defrauding her son and better yet, defrauding the gov’t!!! She thinks she’s untouchable and it drives me insane…
    My son already said he would tell the judge he wants to live with me but she is always making the boy feel like shit and blames it on me. She abuses alcohol all the time and when we go to court she always claims the HERO role from the military. I don’t want to waste anymore money in courts fee’s unless this is a shoe in… Can someone please help???

    • Here some phone numbers you can try….American academy of matrimonial lawyers..email office@AAML.org, 312-263-6477…..

      National council on family relations…888-781-9331…

      This person just ask questions….email MARK.SULLIVAN@NCFAMILYLAW.COM

      I hope the above information is helpful to you,let me know in I can be of any more assistance to you..I hope things workout for the best..Naomi

    • Troy,
      I know it seems like your EX is paid a ton…. I did a 22 yr military career… and I did not do it for the money. However, I want to tell you she does not get as much as you think she does…. ALL that being said… YOU can make life heck for her through the military if you desire. Does she have any other dependents? IF NOT… thenn if you go to court and get an order that says she must pay you when the child is in your custody you will get her BAQ which I think is about $1200/month depending on where she is stationed ( lower cost areas have a lower number- and it is dependent on HER duty station). When she tells you that she gets money for housing/food etc… you need to look the up online. Her (Dependent) money is her BAQ ( quarters allowance). IF she has no other dependents usually the court gives this to the child if custody is to the father. Her military CHAIN OF COMMAND will not want to hear that she is not supporting her child. In many commands they will assist ( make allotments) that ensure the child is supported. Find out her duty station… Make sure your court papers are precise that you have split custody but that the parent who is custodial will get support from the non-custodial should the time be split other than 50/50. Once your court papers show that she is responsible ( court order) for Child Support as you have the child- go to her duty station and submit the papers. IF she starts paying support then SHE will be entitled to the tax credit. However, you can also get that named in the judgement if you want. I have seen one judgement that stated that the mother and father will alternate Tax Credit years. YOU have options depending on how your court order is written. The military will assist you in collecting support “IF” the court papers say that you receive it when the child is in your custody.

  35. I am a step mother of my husbands 2 sons and we have had them for going on 4 yrs now and there bio mother LaTasha Clark up and left to New York once she lost custody of them. She has not seen them talked to them or even paid her support for them. She calls the school up where they go and makes up stories saying they are depressed and abused just so someone feels sorry for her but in reality it only is making her look bad. I am sick of the system feeling sorry for this dead beat mother and not putting her in jail but when it comes to my husband if he don’t pay the arrears to welfare they threaten to lock him up. This broad what on welfare, Public assistance, and receiving ssi for my step son. Now it ain’t my husbands fault she was to lazy to get a job to help support them all she did was lay on her back and kept getting pregnant. I’m tired of these laws that only defy men as dead beats but not the women who don’t want to help support the children after they lose them. The laws should be the same she should go to jail for non support and her rights terminated for not seeing them even though she is suppose to have them every weekend..

  36. So I am a 38 year old man who has custody of 3 of 4 children I have a 15 yr old son 8 yr old son by one woman and my 4 yr old daughter by another. Two years ago I had to step in and take custody of my boys their mom decided it was better for her to stay with her abusive boyfriend than to keep him away and keep my children safe.So I have had them for 13 months now and just recently asked for her to help with financial care and you would have thought that I asked her to jump out in the middle of traffic , but that’s ok I’ll let the child support division handle that. And on my four year old I could go on for weeks about her mom but lets say I’ve had her for three months now and haven’t asked for a penny but she did decide to put me on a website called crappy dads well I say say what you want but we all know the truth I always did and will I always will if I need to pay my support on my children you Sarah Elizabeth Hardin put our child in a car while you were under the influence of xanax and kinky liquor and almost had a head on collision with a semi so before you call someone crappy look in the mirror and ask yourself why do I have to be this person who tries to bring others down because you know you are the one with crappy syndrome.

      • Hey Chris thanks for your comment, it gives other parents hope especially when it comes to child support….I’m giving you the thumbs up for being the bigger parent…you keep up the great job..Naomi

        • Just for the record, my husband is raising your child financially and emotionally. No need to lie. Don’t need child support from you because my husband is an amazing man that is raising our child with me. I wish more men were like my husband.

  37. Help! My husband’s ex saw their girls on 31 occasions last year, longest visit for 12 hours, shortest 45 minutes. I have been chronicling all of her behavior, and I need some advice on how to go about filing for full custody & child support with the courts (we can’t afford an attorney). He asked her on the last visit to start paying support (he asked for $90 a week, she makes $25k per year) and she told him there was no way she would ever pay to get to see her kids. He’s not asking her to pay to see them, he’s asking her to pay half of their medical bills (I have a good job, but nothing is secure in this economy, and I pay for 80% of their bills since he lost his job and took a pay cut – she makes way more than he does). We’ve bent over backwards to work with her schedule, but she often “calls in sick” when her schedule permits. Then, when she sees the kids, she tells them “you’re going to move in with me the next time you see me” – at this point, I don’t think that will ever happen, I doubt she’ll be around for one more year, as spotty as her presence is already. I have records, receipts, therapists, also anecdotal records of times when she’s given them rotten food, etc. Please help!?!

  38. I met my husband when. His daughter was almost 2 since then his ex wife has falsely called dfs 5 times “has also called on her other husbands ex spouses” and has move to several different states in 2010 she moved to Wisconsin and didn’t see her daughter for over 5 months last February she moved to Indiana then that following June she moved to south Carolina and hasn’t seen her daughter since June she lies to her every time she calls and does a lot more its just awful how she gets away with this and don’t even support her daughter in anyway she constantly brings men in and out of her life and makes her call each of em daddy this is the longest she hasn’t seen her over 7 months please help i need legal advice

    • Hello Barbara, thank you for your comment. I have a question is the child already living with her father? if so, maybe it is best she does not see her mother, especially if you think her mother causes her mental harm. also, when you get a chance can you leave me your city/state so I can assist in finding you some legal advice….Naomi

  39. I am a full time stepmother to 2 children ages 8 and 6.5. I also have a son who is 7. My step children’s mother is the epitome of a deadbeat mother. She signed custody over to my husband (their father) almost 4 years ago. (Long story) Since then she has not seen her children once nor sent a dime in child support. She talks to them on the phone a couple times a week telling them that she loves them and misses them and makes every excuse in the book why she hasn’t come to visit them and makes herself out to be the victim. (She lives about 1000 miles away) It infuriates me as a mother to think another mother can act this way to her children. She continually tells them that she is coming to see them yet never does and gives them a sob story so they feel bad for her. Meanwhile, I am busting my butt trying to raise them (and my son) along with my husband. They see me as their mother because I am the only mother figure in their lives and they on their own started calling me “mommy” because that is how they see me and they desperately want to have a mommy in their lives. But this woman has scolded them on the telephone because they call me mommy and repeatedly drill into them that I am not their mommy and she is their ONLY mommy. Not only is she a deadbeat, but she is also causing emotional pain to her children with her constant lies, empty promises and manipulation.

    • Thank you step mom for sharing your story, you mentioned that your husband has custody of the children, its now his duty to monitor those conversations that maybe affecting children. This is something you and him can sit down and discuss. Let me know how this works out…..Naomi

  40. I dated my baby daddy since i wasfifteen, we dated for seven years. I had our first son when was eighteen. When i was pregnant he told me.that women use it as an excuse to get what they want and that was the beginning. After i had the baby he told.me i became a feminist bitch because i asked him to help me out with the kid. He wanted to go iut and drink beer and play his guitar, said hes going to get famous. He said that women take care of the.kids and guys just give advice when the.kid grows up. After i left him because it was like taking care of two kids and i would not.put up with his laziness. He wpuldnt.help me out with our son at all he would.just be.partying. when i would confrount hin he said that i knew i would HAVE to be a. Single mom in case he didnt want to be with me anymore. He also roldall our friends that i went crazy because he was with other girls. Not that i was angry because he wasnt taking care of his kid. I gave our son up fpr adoption aand then he told everyone we.knew that i gave the kid away without his concent, i even had girls confrount me about beibg a deadbeat mom. I was so hurt because at first everyone arpund me was like”your.making such a good choice”” and then after the adoption people be like””how could a mother ever do that”” . my baby daddy got it easy when he didnt take care of his kid, people have a long.list of ligitamite excuses they made for him . But for me it was like i abondoned my child amd their was no excuse.for.my.behaviour. it was gross. I missed my son so much and regretted it so much that i started to believe.the things people told me. I appologised to my dads father even though he had to sign the adoption papers too. We got back together and he spent the next three years telling me how it was all my fault. If i had just done my womanly duty then we would still have.our.kid. blah bla blah. So igot pregnant again because i missed our son and believed.we had both learned our lesson. I realised after our second son was born that he was a deadbeat by choice and just had been.living ofd me since i was fiftewn, i always paid the rent, cleaned and cooked. Now he says that he wants to make.me.suffer so e doesnt help out with the kid even.though he says he could but doesnt to spite me. He doesnt give me any money even though he has.enough.money to smoke.cigarettes, drink and go out to eat all the time. His new girfriend is cobvinced im crazy and she is ten years older then hin and he.lives off hernow. He gave a bum 10$ right in front of me because i was asking him for money for ua one day. He says hes just waitibg for me to give up so he can take.custody. he right though, now i see through the lies he told me as a teenager. Now i remember why i gave up my son. I dont want to do all the work while.he.plays. i dont want the title of single mother because men see it as your a bitch and women see it as yiu tried to keep a.man by having a kid but got ditched.because your a crazy, btchy, bitter, fat, washed up. The list goes on. I dont want to waste my time with a kid whos going to grow up and resent me for not ahaving a partner. I dont want this kid either. Why should i have to take care of the kid? everyone lets him off the hook, but crusify me. So go ahead call me a deadbeat mother, but i have gave birth to both my sons.naturally at home, breastfed both of them. Its not that im not a good mother im just one whos fed up with societues bullshit and my babydaddy. I dont want to be a sibgle mom anymore.

    • Hey Kyla, thanks for your story, my job is not to judge people. but there are deadbeat dads and moms. My website and upcoming book speaks on mothers because dads are really the only ones in the spotlight everyone seems afraid to speak out about this subject, when it comes to mothers, but I’m not. I’m sorry you and your children have been through hard times, but lets pray things get better… also i must mention you have labeled yourself a deadbeat mother too many times in your comment forget what society thinks how do you view yourself? write me back if you get a chance

    • First of all, you need to go to school & learn how to spell!! But most of all I don’t give a crap about your lousy excuses to be a selfish person who puts themselves before a poor innocent child because she is immature & needs to grow up, be a mom or keep her legs closed.

  41. Truth is, deadbeat moms suffer more abuse from society because they are expected to raise and nurture children while dads in the same manner get away with it. There’s more harsh consequences against deadbeat mothers.

    • Sadly, in my case this is the opposite. I’m a single mom whose ex-husband cheated while I was pregnant (thus why I’m now divorced). My ex stopped paying child support for four years before the law caught up with him. I’m dating a man in my situation.

      His ex (they have four children) developed a gambling habit and prostitiuted herself to gamble! He divorced her, sued her for custody and support (won on both counts) but she hasn’t paid in SEVEN years and has the audacity to tell the courts I should have to support her kids (even though they aren’t mine) because I am dating their father!

      Her level of selfishness and lack of care towards her own children is mind blowing! He and I both work TWO jobs each to support our kids while these two Numbskull exes run around doing drugs and blowing all their money on partying while the state does NOTHING.

      Sadly, they are even more leniant on the woman in my boyfriend’s case than they are on my make ex. The court said as a woman she can’t make as much money so they only sentenced to her for 75 dollars a week for FOUR kids, while my ex got sentenced to 125 a week for two children. After four years my ex finally got threatened with jail so now he just started paying. She doesn’t pay jack and hasn’t sent to jail in SEVEN years of failure to pay!

      • Thank you Charlotte for your comment, you are correct moms who are required to pay child support rearly do, according to the United census only 57% pay their monthly support, I would like to get that number to 75% or higher. Let’s hope this book can push lawmakers to take a good look at what’s been slipping through the cracks…Naomi

  42. I was intrigued by your website. Some people may think I am a deadbeat Mom, but I am not. My ex husband abused our three children, abandoned us, and took me to court for child custody. After a year and a half of me having custody, he continued to mudsling in court, and got custody of the three children, and I was left paying child support and getting every other weekend with my 1, 2, and 3 year old. They are 5, 6, 7 now. I was a stay at home Mom. I am now on my second appeal, and have been battling the court decisions for over three years now. He also petitioned the court that I not be allowed to be at the children’s school, and at their extra curricular activities. He does not allow me to talk to the children by phone, and if I go anywhere near the house (the house I used to own!) I can be arrested for tresspassing. It would appear to many that I have given up on my children, just because I am not allowed to see them very often. But I was FORCED BY LAW to be what society believes to be a “deadbeat” mom. I can attend a few school functions, and I do everything I can to attend those events, and I always see them during my visitation. But my exhusband has taken all of my money and my family’s money, to keep me out of jail, and has left us all virtually penniless. When I do spend time with my children, we have to do FREE things because I am broke. My ex husband was abusive with me, was abusive to the kids, and the judge would not consider any evidence of child abuse or spouse abuse, and told me I was delusional and made everything up. Even my oldest daughter told the police that her father was inappropriately touching her, and they told me that I “planted” that story in her head, which is a lie. My ex husband got remarried, and there is a step mother who quit her job, lives in my beautiful house, and is a stay at home mom with my children—-makes their lunches everyday, takes them to school everyday. To everyone else, I appear to be someone who shirked their role as a mother, and became a deadbeat mom, just because I was forced to not be allowed to do those things. I asked my ex if I could make the kids’ lunches for school. He said no, and there is even a court order that states that “Defendant is prohibited from bringing food items to the children while they are in school.” For people who don’t know a court order has been in place that prevents me from being a mother, it appears as if I am a dead beat parent. But I am not. If I violate the court order, I will be in contempt of court. I make sure to tell my children all of this, so that they know the reasons for me not being allowed to bring them food or visit them at school. When they get old enough, I will show them all the court records through the years of me trying to get custody, so that they know the truth, and they are never tempted to proliferate false information about deadbeat moms, which is really what fathers want. Fathers feel discriminated against, and manipulate situations to make people believe that it’s not them, it’s mothers who are really the deadbeat ones, and that simply is not true. I will never forget the day I lost custody. For the first year after that, I think I spent everynight crying and in grief from the pain from being separated from my babies. Even now, three years later, I sometimes wake up in the middle of the night searching for the sound of a tiny cough in the night. My children were taken from me. Legally kidnapped. I know that there are some women out there who think I am a deadbeat Mom, and it’s a shame. I am now working on my PhD and conducting research on battered mothers and their children, and why their children get taken from them by fathers and child protective services, and why CPS will not investigate child sexual abuse, and will simply side with the abuser. I also am conducting research on father’s rights groups and their strategies in preventing battered mothers from finding safety and protection for themselves and their children, and spreading propaganda about how women are just as violent as men are, and how women are just as deadbeat as men are. If someone were reading your website, and had never been through what I have with having a court of law remove your children because they refuse to consider evidence of abuse and call you a delusional person, they might believe that there are deadbeat moms out there. I know many people think I am a deadbeat mom, but they haven’t seen the court orders that legally bind me into not having much of a relationship with my children. The good news is that my children know the truth. They know that when they ask to talk to me on the phone, and their Daddy says, “Not now sweetie,” that he is preventing them from talking to me. They know that when they say, “We want to live with Mommy,” and their Daddy says, “Not now sweetie,” that he is preventing them from having a relationship with me.

    I’m sorry you have been through what you have been through, and I appreciate the fact that you offer a place on your website for other people’s stories. I look forward to hearing from you!

    • Hey Kerry, thank you for your story, but I have a question, what made the children’s father take you to court in the first place? I’m having a problem understanding your story, are you saying that you were taken to court because you approached the father about abusing the children???? and he took you to court for custody because he said those were lies you put in your children head???? please write me back soon…Naomi

    • I READ UR STORY AND I CAN REALLY RELATE I LOST MY KIDS ALSO THEY ARE GROWN NOW 36&37 BUT WE DONT HAVE NO BOND AT ALL I CAN TELL U DONT GIVE UP THEY WILL BE GROWN ALSO ONE DAY-WHEN THIS FIRST HAPPEN TO BE I WASENT READY FOR IT AT ALL HE HAD ALL THE MONEY,THE JOB,KNEW WHAT TO DO IN COURT WHAT TO SAY-I WANTED OUT CAUSE HE TURN VERY MEAN BEAT ME THATS ANOTHER STORY-SISTER HANG IN THERE-ON THE WEEKEND U DO GET TO SEE UR KIDS U HAVE TO MAKE THAT LAST FOR2 WEEKS SO THAT THEY NEVER STOP ASKING ABOUT MOM THEY DO ASK MY EX SAID AFTER MANY YEARS THAT -THAT DROVE HIS CRAZY CAUSE THEY ALWAYS SAID CAN WE CALL MOM.AND KNOW ITS REALLY JUST TO HURT U,KEEP FAITH IN ACTION PRAY ALOT-ONE MORE THANG IS U HAVE TO LET HIM KNOW HE IS HURTING UR KIDS IF U WANT THE KIDS TO BE HAPPY THEY HAVE TO SEE MOM TOO THATS HOW WE KINDA WORKED IT OUT CAUSE WE BOTH WANTED OUR KIDS SO-CALLED HAPPY-JUST DONT LOSE CONTACT NO MATTER HOW SMALL OF A TIME

  43. Help me am a father of four kids all boys ages 18 and over when they were young their mother took them away from me because I was on drugs now I have cleaned up my act and I want my kids to be a part of my life but they have no respect for me because I was not apart of their life for so many years they all say to me our mother says we don’t have to have any respect for you further more she told us that you had past away the boys is off age so its not like I can go to court and fight for custody what should I do about this dead beat mom

    • Hey Picaso, I’m sorry to hear of your situation first things first know one can change the things that the mother has said to the children. My mother was on drugs she kept pulling us away from our father when I was a teenager I despise her because she always talked down about my father now 15 years later I have somewhat forgiven her I say this to you because things get better with time. Just keep playing your part as a great dad and keep being there for them. Maybe you should consider family counseling. I will keep you in my prayers….Naomi

  44. I have my two kids
    have had them six years now
    I left mom and two weeks later she brought them to me
    said she couldn’t do it
    she when on to be a stripper escort prostitute junkie and deadbeat mom
    put her on child support after two years to maybe get her to handle some responsibility
    ha
    never paid it
    was gonna enforce it but then she had another kid
    didn’t know she was prego til 5 months while using the whole time
    the dad was the same way
    had the kid so I felt bad to go after her fo chi sup so I layed off thinking it would get her closer to being responsible
    ha
    the kids one and in cps custody
    dads in jail and she bounced to new York
    I live in texas
    during all this ive tried to help her and her kid but got used up all around so I stepped a way
    look on facebook and see her posting pics smiling and enjoying herself while her one yr ole is in cps system and I raise my kids on my own which aint all rainbows and butterflies
    it hurts to see my kids with no mom espescially my daughter and to see their sister in the system while mommy is out like she has no cares or responsibilities
    it really bothers me at times
    if all else ill end up with their sister before long
    because the families on both sides are just trash
    no other words to use
    the reason I comment is to let people know there are women like this
    and also that there are men like me who stands up his children

    • i have 4 beautiful children ages are 13,10,8 and 3 and i wouldnt trade them for nothing in the world, even when times are tought its my 4 kids that keep me going they are my motivation and i live for them im giving them the love and affection that my mom gave me ann i thank her for that all the time so to all the single mothers out there just keep striving and dont give up, give your children something to be proud of

      • Hey Latoya, I love the way you describe the way your children make you feel, every day give them hugs and kisses and tell them you love them. that makes kids feel so great inside.

        I’ll give you the “Thumbs up” for being a great parent. keep up the good work

        • thank you Naomi that means alot…we all need alot of encouragement to help uplift our single parents who strive everyday to do their best and to be the very best for our children..and to anyone who reads these just continue to be patient life is all about choices and as of right now we set the examples so lets become the great leaders for our kids lives and as well as their futures…..

    • Hey Walter, I think you’re doing an excellent job with raising your kids despite your situation what you’re going through remember to keep your head up because through every dark night there is a better day. so Walter I give you “2 Thumbs Up” for being a extraordinary Father…..Naomi

    • Hey Walter, I think you’re doing an excellent job with raising your kids despite your situation what you’re going through remember to keep your head up because through every dark night there is a better day. so Walter I give you “2 Thumbs Up” for being a extraordinary Father…..Naomi

  45. The greatest blessing in my life is my four boys. I’d give my life for any one of them in a minute. While the pain their mother has inflicted on all of us is very difficult, I still teach them to respect their mother, the mother of my four children.

    However, there are times when I feel so overwhelmed with negativity.

    Thanks OxyContin !!

    • Hey Richard, thanks for your comment. even though there is some negativity surrounding your family you still manage to find positivity….I love this…keep up the great work…I’m giving u a big thumbs up for being an awesome dad to your boys. Naomi

      P.s. I notice you signed off OxyContin !!, if you get a chance can you leave me a message why.

  46. My boyfriend gained full custody of his 9 year old daughter and 4 year son last October. Their mother, who I’ll call dead beat Debbie, was charged with aggravated child abuse after she bit her son on the cheek and left teeth marks. Of course the police and DCFS got involved and she was soon jailed,posted bond and soon released. She was ordered supervised visits. She is sick, not physically but mentally. Takes Valium and alcohol together and becomes irate, erratic behavior. Now almost a year later Debbie took a plea bargain (unknown at this time). Since then my boyfriend, we’ll call him Mike, has been very lax about visits, every other weekend and once during the week. Due to the fact that his dd wants to be around her mother. The son doesn’t really care, he would rather be with his dad. Mike works swing shifts and lives near his parents who help care for kids. Recently Mike mentioned we should move in together because it was getting too much for his parents to handle. The dd is a master manipulator, as she has been taught very well from her mother, and the ds was totally out of control when he first got custody. I have successfully raised 3 girls over the past 20 years so I gave parenting advise to Mike about discipline that turned out very well for his ds. I refuse to raise his kids and live together. I expected the relationship to end but it hasn’t. He is very good to me, supportive, loving, caring and offers financial assistance, ect. I just cannot bring myself to love his children. The dd throws tantrums, she’s 10 now, manipulates Mike and her grandparents to her advantage. I spoke to her and told her I see right through her lil games and I won’t tolerate it. She respects me but still tries to manipulate. His ds knows I won’t tolerate his actions either, walking on my leather sofa with his sneakers on used to be a daily routine, pulling items off my dresser…earrings, money, ect and sticking them in his pocket. Mike is clueless about what to do with them and wants his parents or me to take over and raise them. I told him he needs to step up to the plate and raise them himself. Debbie has not paid a dime in child support and collected support from Mike until the court ordered it to stop 2 months after he had full custody. Debbie has an older daughter from a previous relationship and lives with her boyfriend and his son who is the same age as her own son. Debbie will let the 10 year dd spend the night with her occasionally upon the dd request but refuses to let her ds stay because “he is out of control and won’t sleep at night”. She even set up an appointment 100 miles away to try and obtain sleeping pills for him. Mike found this out from his dd who stated Debbie wanted to take them to this major city for an appointment. Mike put a stop to it and found out the real reason. Debbie tried to force the dd into saying that she is the one who bit her brother on the face.
    When everyone, including the police, questioned him he got mad and repeated “not sissy, mommy did it”. The dd was obviously coached by Debbie to defend her mothers actions. When the ds talks about it she tells him to shut up, she cries and is very emotional. I know that she is only 10 and that will always be her mom but I can’t help to think about how this will affect them later in life. Authorities gave Mike numbers to call for counseling. The pamphlets all stated they were for abused women and children. When he called they blew him off, saying they would call back or they would direct him to another line. They NEVER set up appointments, called back or even attempted to help this family. I told Mike since he has good insurance that he should set up his own counseling. He doesn’t think any thing is wrong with his kids. Plus he is very angry that all the places for help are listed for women and children. He felt very alone and out of sorts. He never missed a child support payment from the day she moved out, even before it was ordered and he never missed one weekend visit or special school event for these kids when they lived with Debbie. It’s almost a year later and she has not paid one dime. Debbie told the dd that she bought her lots of school supplies. When she dropped off the bag at the grandparents house it had a pack of pencils and 2 notebooks. The dd said grandma must have taken everything because her mommy told her there was a lot of school stuff she left for them. Debbie continues to lie and the dd adapts by covering and manipulation. Mike gave grandma 20 bucks to get dd a pair of pants from the mall to wear to school because when he took them shopping that was the only item she couldn’t find. The dd was talking about getting this cool pair of boots, Mike said no not now, get some pants. The dd told grandma the 20 bucks was for the boots so when grandma took her shopping she said daddy said I could get them. She throw fits of fire when she doesn’t’ get her way so everyone gives into her. I am so sick and tired of it I almost left him for good. He promises to change but I have yet to see it. Ok, so hopefully you got the situation I’m in. My question is….what else can be done? I don’t want her to have custody because I know she doesn’t want those kids, she just doesn’t want to pay support. That would be her only reason to want them back. How can I make Mike understand that he has got to be a full time mother and father? The ds is interested in telling time. I told Mike to get him a watch and teach him. Mike bought a watch for himself to use when he goes out on his new kayak every other weekend without the kids. I begged him to sign up for emails about parenting, directed him to other websites via texting links. He spends hours researching the perfect life jacket, the perfect kayak, the perfect accessories for his Mustang GT, but won’t invest in parenting skills. UUURRGGHHH, I get so mad even thinking about it. HELP!!! PLEASE!!!

    • Hey JG, I read your story and I’m sorry for what your going through. but it seems the children maybe going through normal behavioral stages despite their past with their mom. this was the way myself and my brother acted out when we was away from our mom despite her not being the best mom she could be…Mike most likely is backing off from giving the kids time out because he knows what they have already been through.

      it seems you will have to make your decision to stay or go, but despite the kids not listening sometimes they may have already grown attached to you, so make sure this is the right decision if you decide to go.

      when you get a chance checkout:

      Park avenue Relationship consultants at 212-289-0295

      psychologytoday.com where there is a list of different therapist for mikes situation and they maybe also able to help you.

      I hope this helps….Naomi

      Ps…I have someone working on your change request.

  47. The whole divorce Industry is a mess, the children = money and power over the other parent. it takes two to support a child, unless one parent is so bad off that they cant take care of a child, every couple should share the children right down the middle, no more child support for any reason, both parent need to support kids. If a parent wont parent then they should pay or give up the rights so the child can be adopted by the many who would love to be parents that can’t.

    Craig Stevens of Wisconsin

    • Hey Craig, thanks for your comment, you make a great point, if we could get more parents to share equal responsibilities then mission accomplished.

      Naomi

  48. Being that this thread started in 2011 and it’s now the middle of 2013, you can clearly see this is an on-going issue! I myself am dealing with this situation and came across this site hoping to see I’m not the only one going threw this. I’ve been with my husband for over 5 years. He has a beautiful little girl from a previous relationship who is now almost 7. I’ve been in her life since she was 1 years old. I can’t even begin to tell you the mess his ex has caused. It started out with him not being able to see his daughter (if he was with me) and escalated as far as him going to jail! Since they’ve been broken up, shes managed to lie to police about threats and abuse, put him on child support when he has his daughter more then 50% of the time, show up to his jobs, cause scenes at work and at our home (actually anywhere she decides a show is needed), non-stop phone calls all times of night just to trash talk him and complain, she shows up to almost every event we attend (because she knows his family) which is not a problem except she does it to show off. Im very humble and don’t care about being flashy or talking loud to get attention. Not only has she had different men around her daughter (about 7 ‘flings’ in 5 years), she smokes like a chimney, likes to party, and always has a nasty attitude… The best part is when she wants to act like mother of the year! It’s unbelievable. She doesn’t realize shes just hurting her child. My husband is active in his daughters life. We are very family oriented. I have a child with him also, and we all do everything together. His children are his world. I don’t understand why it’s so hard for society to believe there are good men still out there. There are men who want to or are in their kids life but the EX makes it hard or almost impossible for him to be a good father.

    • It sounds to me you and your husband are great parents to both children and I’m sorry to hear that he has been put through a lot. but I have one question, if you said that his family is the one telling her everywhere he is going why does he keep informing his family of his whereabouts? it sounds like if he stops that then that would solve a lot of your problems…..I hope this is helpful. Naomi

  49. Hi,

    My now ex whom I have 2 kids with (girl 6 and boy 3) took the kids and flew back to England without my consent almost two years ago. She didn’t get a job, moved into an apartment that she told me I needed to pay for otherwise the kids were on the streets then cut off all contact between the kids and me and my family here in the US. I told her that if she did not allow contact I would not pay anything – this made her call social services in England and make allegations that I had sexually abused my daughter. Social services in the UK closed the case with no further investigation of me and did not even contact me. Yet two month later she send me the divorce papers with the closed social services case stating that I am not allowed to ever see the kids without supervision.

    At this point I get lawyers to take her to court for Parental Child Abduction under the Hague conventions and get joint custody, her into forced therapy and a bunch of other concessions. To this day she still has no job, I have to pay for their living arrangements (otherwise my kids would be living in the streets) and my ex is still trying to be obstructive when it comes to the kids. I guess I am posting this because as fathers we are definitely in the eyes of the law not an equal parent. In most cases mothers are being treated with kid gloves even when they are being deadbeats and worse.

    The courts in England would not even consider deporting my ex back to the US to stand trial since there is a jail term attached to parental child abduction here in the US. The courts in England does not have any measures that can be taken against parents who make false allegations during divorce unlike most of the states here in the US. My legal battle is only just going on 14 months and I can see that it will probably take several more years to try and get my kids to live with me here in the US.

    As a recommendation for instances where deadbeat parents make bad decisions – don’t give up the fight for your kids and be very careful if the deadbeat makes it outside the US border. Depending on the country (even places where western law institutions exists) there is very little a foreign country is willing to do if the parental abductor is a citizen of the host country.

    Jonathan

  50. My story is about the wonderful child I am helping my husband raise. My step-daughter came into my life when she was 7(she’s 14 now). She has a low IQ which puts her comprehension at about age 10-12. Her Birth mother gave her & her 3 younger siblings to the state & tried to put them up for adoption when SD was 6yrs old. My husband was contacted after 5 yrs of searching for them. He received joint custody with a relative. It has only been the last year that the birth mom has been in consistent contact with my step-daughter. Mainly because SD contacts her first. The BM says she loves her & misses her. She has told me and daughter that she will have to wait til she turns 18 to go back to her. BM has been married a total of 3 times & divorced 3 times. Has had a total of 6 kids(that we know of) and doesn’t have custody of any of them. Our concern is that BM is saying things to get SD hopes up, but in the end, we know them to be things that will not happen…like promises of visits. BM lives 5 states away & hasn’t visited her kids in 7 yrs, even when she was in the state for vacation for 2 weeks. My point…is there a point that we decide to cut contact with BM because of the lies & empty promises? My husband has determined that no matter what reason or excuses BM comes up with, daughter will believe her. I am also concerned that with SD diminished capacity, the BM is giving her too much personal information regarding the specifics of the abuse in BM childhood & abuse that ultimately ended her 3rd marriage… whether that information is true or not. I know a lot of people would say you should just wait for SD to see for herself the true colors of BM, but in this situation, not sure that would ever happen since no matter what BM tells her, she believes. Any advice would be helpful

    • I remember when my mother put me and my sibling in foster care, there was so many promises she made to myself and my brother but she never fulfilled any of them, but as children no matter how many times she did this we believed her and would hate anyone that tried to change what we believed. I say this to give you an idea of how children think, no matter what that other parent is doing the child doesn’t see it as being wrong; they feel like some day just maybe, she will keep one of those promises. believing my mother gave hope, you know something to look forward too. I know its hard to sit by and watch, but she’s 14 now eventually she will see for herself and then she will need you to be there because the tables will turn.

      P.S I do stress make sure nothing is being said to her that may cause harm. because then you may have to seek a child therapist,

      I hope this helped, keep me posted if you can. Thumbs up to you and your husband for being good parents.

      Naomi

  51. I fought and won custody of my two boys in December 2011 after 10 years battling in court over the incompetence of my ex to be a “parent”. She was court ordered to pay $177 a month in support and carry their health insurance. Since then, she has not been employed, dropped the insurance 1 month after the order (which we found out when we took one of the kids to the doctor in September of 2012), not paid a dime in support since August 2012, evaded taxes and is currently dodging the service of contempt of court papers. Oh btw, her license has been suspended too. She is $3000 plus in arrears. It saddens me to watch this process move, slowly, considering the fact that if this was me (the father), I would have been locked up a long time ago.

    • Hey Scott, thanks for your response
      I understand exactly what you are saying, my child’s father owed me over 30,000.00. I had given up on expecting any help from him, the judge had told me to put out a lien in every borough just in case he comes across some funds. Lord and behold he came across over 50,000.00 and social service snatched the money that he owed my child for over 15 years. so keep the faith and keep your child support documents up to date.

      Thank You once again…Naomi

  52. I am a forty year old woman, with children of my own, but I have a story about my own mother. She divorced my father when I was 7. I went to live with him and my grandparents, and rarely heard from her for years. At one point I hadn’t seen her for over a year, forgot what she even looked like, and didn’t even have a number. As a teen I ran into problems at school. I had (predictable) behavioral issues, the kind that come from maternal abandonment. My mother said she would take me back. This was a catastrophe. She had remarried an abusive, unemployed alcoholic who beat and yelled at me for two years. She said I “asked for it.” Finally, I had enough. My father flew down to rescue me from this situation. When he remarried, he was careful to find a woman who would care for me as if I were her own – and she does to this day. Meanwhile, my mother allowed my stepfather to rule their home with violent mood swings. When she divorced him, she let my half brother run wild until he crossed a drug dealer who raped and decapitated him. To this day I blame her for this, because the only way they were able to identify my brother’s body was from a video tape found in the vehicle used in the crime. It depicted him, his friends, *and our mother* snorting cocaine. Words can not describe the disgust. The real gut-kick here is that my mother has been a teacher for more than three decades. A deadbeat, someone who allows children to be abused, someone who lets their child go down a sick, twisted road toward a horrible death. This “grandmother,” in front of my children, her grandchildren, told her younger daughter to get married because she “couldn’t wait to become a grandma.” I do not have the words to express my rage against this person. She is not my mother, she is just a person who didn’t have an abortion when I was conceived. I will never be right. My little brother will always be dead, will never know what it is to be a man, a father, anything. This person ruins everything she touches.

    • Hi Liz,

      Your story brought tears to my eyes, I’m so sorry for your lost and the way you were mistreated as a child. Thank god for your stepmom she sounds like an awesome person and was there for you when you needed her, I want to give her my famous “Thumbs Up” and I also want to give dad a “thumbs up” for rescuing you when he did. You are now a mature woman with beautiful children of your own and I’m sure you give them all the love you can give. This is the purpose of the website and the book to make the world aware of the way some moms have become abusive to their children and hopefully changes can be made to stop it. So when the book comes out make sure you get yourself and copy so you can begin to heal and forgive your mother for the way you were treated.

      Thank you for sharing your story Liz…..Naomi

  53. This is such an awkward thing to comment on, my mother was physically violent to me, left me with a family friend that abused me in order to go out.
    I would never harm my daughter. I had a breakdown three years ago , I left my daughter alone for two hours as I had to escape there was a lot going on(under the influence of anti depressants) I told a stranger in tears, they walked me home, called the police, I was arrested given a criminal record for neglect and my daughter removed,
    I felt bad about leaving I tried to kill myself and ended up in a mental hospital for a month. Social services then took proceedings not to return my daughter. Two years of court battles, psychiatrist s dragging up my childhood using it as a weapon against me, my daughter was adopted AGAINST MY WISHES.
    I always, Fed clothed , loved my daughter. The problem I had was if I said “no” to something, she would cry and I would feel bad for her, hug her apologize and give in to her.
    She is now 5 , but was two and a half when this happened. My ex partner (my daughter s dad) left me during my pregnancy. I am 27 , now left with a diagnosis of bipolar and a criminal record and can’t function, I worry constantly about my daughter but can’t be there to protect her. Does this make me a deadbeat mum????

    • Hey Sarah..thanks for your comment. I would like to start by saying my job is not to judge anyone because nobodys perfect.. but I will say if its ok that maybe you should have put the baby in a stroller and went for a walk or took her to a relatives house an then collected your thoughts, Your story does not sound like a deadbeat mom to me. I will keep you and your beautiful daughter in my prayers an ask god to bring her back home with you were she belongs. You have to remain strong for the both of you’s. Naomi

  54. I am a single father still in my twenties. Her mom is slick. She cries in court to make it look like she misses her but wants nothing to do with our daughter outside court. She attends UCLA and is studying for masters. Even before she attended UCLA, she always tried to find ways to avoid being a mom. Party and school is all on her mind.

    I am doing very well financially and my daughter is too. I am beyond lucky that I was blessed with a high paying job that makes her mom not so crucial. Strangly, its want my daughter’s mom wanted all along.

    When she is with our daughter, she will only want to let the world that she is a mom at formal social events but then will want nothing to do with her after that.

    What’s even harder, I have my daughter roughly 90% but I get treated as if I am a deadbeat dad. Even though other parents and school people see me picking up\dropping off my daughter, attending teacher meetings… I often get the cold shoulder. One time a school faculty realized that I was a young 27 yr old single dad and not a deadbeat and she apologized and started crying for treating me like “other fathers who don’t care.”

    Being a single dad, I haven’t been on a date in years nor have friends so I’m pretty much alone. Its okay, if I have to do it alone then I will do it alone.

    • William I’m proud of you for being a very good dad to your child. despite you knowing her mom is wrong for not doing her part that did not stop you from moving on. I want to give you the thumbs for being one of the best dads i have had the pleasure of chatting with and in due time you will meet that special someone.

  55. I have a certain opinion of deadbeat moms an my opinions are first hand knowledge..ive been raising four wonderful children as my own for seven yrs the mother is there physically when she wants to she contributes nothing financially doesn’t even manage her 67$ a week for 4 kids yet the court system does nothing to hold her responsible she is not a good role model for my girls.shes had a number of men around them an she doesn’t even see them that much..i worry about them alot..there should be alot more support out here for men raising their children its sad there isn’t the same standard for women who have children an dont wanna pay society is so messed up…

    • Hey stepmom, that is a fantastic love you have in you !!! Congratulations. I am also a Mr Mom (after 20 years of marriage) and I have sole custody of my two daughters; i would like to add that cheating, lies, infidelity, and abandonment are just THE EFFECT and NOT the root cause of deadbeat moms or dads, the lack of love and the lack of values I would assume are the cause. However, what we do in life echoes in eternity, so great job and the Lord will reward you, plus you are a lovely example of what a real woman is !!!
      God bless.

  56. My ex-wife is into me for about 30k and even though she never lost visitation she stopped seeing our two boys about 10 years ago. I’m not sure which is worse, never getting anything or (like my ex) having her do just enough to stay out of jail but never touching the back support and still racking up interest as she’s not making full monthly payments. Thank god it’s never been “needed” or “depended” on to make ends meet. There are collection groups, that work outside of the agencies, that can and will seize property or press charges even across state lines but she has nothing to seize and make just “enough” of an effort to stay out of jail. Have you noticed that guys that get a few grand in the hole are hunted down like dogs but women get a pass? In my thinking, we as custodial fathers have an obligation to push the issue so the next poor sap doesn’t have top put up with the system playing favorites. Mothers have been able to bring the wrath of god down on dads for 1 missed payment, time for dads to get the same feral response from the law too.

  57. My stepgirls go to their mother’s after school until their father gets off. She is simply a babysitter. The oldest has some mental and intellectual issues after their mother abandoned them for months. She is terrified when her Dad leaves to run quick errands, she is afraid of being left behind. She hates going to her moms and always comes back very quiet. The little one was very young when their mom left, and shes a busy bee and very carefree. Lately the oldest told me her mom said she was annoying and called has her stupid. The youngest

    • The youngest told us her mom gives her medicine after school, they always eat lunchables, she never cooks for them, and my stepdaughter says she gets really sleepy after she eats and sleeps until Dad picks them up. We suspect she is giving the youngest benadryl to make her sleep! Help!

  58. My story is too crazy to be real, but it is..

    I haven’t always been an angel, I was married for 7 years to a guy who was mentally abusive. During the last year I started seeing someone, and when my husband found out, we chose to stay together and try an open relationship.

    He then got in touch with an ex-girlfriend from high school. He invited me over to meet her and her husband, trying to get out of our house more often and get a bit of a social life. Well, she tried to get into my pants from the moment she met me. I am not kidding, she asked me to dump my husband and move in with her, 4 hours after I met her!

    She told me these stories about her husband and how he got some girl pregnant, she was going to kick him to the curb. She showed me pictures of male body parts of her “friends”.

    One night she invites me over to a party at her house. I went over, and as the night progressed she got her husband drunk and then tried to get us into a threesome. I am not kidding!

    The next day I contacted her husband, to talk to him, because for some reason it really clicked between us, even though I had hardly spoke to him. I wanted to make sure he realized I was not “that kind of girl”. We continued to talk after that, not doing anything we shouldn’t be doing. In the meantime, his wife is fooling around with my husband.. later I found out she actually fooled around under a blanket in the same room as her two year old son!

    Anyway, fast forward, my husband and I decide it’s better if we split. The divorce goes smoothly, no issues at all. Around this time, the girl’s family is going ballistic, because she’s making all sorts of accusations. Her aunt stood outside my car, cussing and screaming at me for an hour, as I waited for the girl’s husband to come back to the car. I got death treats over the phone at work. Eventually it escalated and her dad and brother’s physically removed her husband from their home by force. She slammed him into the wall. The cops wouldn’t even come out to help him. He left with the clothes on his back.

    Seeing as he had nowhere to go, I allowed him to stay in my home.

    He’s lived with me ever since. I wish we had the chance to date, but necessity brought us together.

    His son stayed with her, at the time. He sent her money from the day he got kicked out. He gave her half his paycheck before they even went to divorce court. With the rest he was paying off bad checks she wrote, payday loans, title loans etc.

    She -still- managed to get the power cut off and evicted, even though he was giving her enough to pay those bills. She told her parents he wasn’t giving her anything, so they bought groceries for her and clothes for her son. Her son stayed with her parents and her aunt all the time, while she’d go out and fish for men.

    After she got evicted, she moved into a trailer with an alcoholic. Her dad and brother actually went out and broke the guy’s jaw with a tire iron!

    She moved again, in with her parents. There she had several incidents of domestic violence, a few ending up with her going to the hospital. Every time something like that would happen, we’d get a call to come get the kid. He’d have nightmares about mommy being choked and mommy being punched and mommy leaving in the “fire truck”.

    She moved a couple more times after that, dating different guys. She never has a car, they always break down or get repo’d. She changes jobs every 2-3 months, often going several months without a job.

    We paid child support all through this, even when he was spending 3 out of 7 days a week with us.

    Needless to say, we’ve been battling for custody.. That’s no environment for a child. We’ve had sole custody for a year now, but she’s reopening the case. She did not show up for two hearings, and she says they mailed the notice to the wrong address. Apparently that’s enough to get it reopened.

    She’s engaged (again) and now pregnant. She’s been with the guy for a year, and he seems like a good man. She’s quit her job, again. She doesn’t have a car, again. The son is 4 now, and he loves the new guy. I just feel so bad for the man, he just doesn’t know what he’s getting into… I’m also worried for the son, I fear she’s going to drop him like a brick once she has a new baby. Everything is a contest. She’s just doing everything she can to outdo her ex.

    We’ve been to court 5-6 times now. At first she tried to claim I did drugs and I was a drunk, which was untrue. Then she tried to get DHR after her ex, which failed, because her parents wouldn’t allow DHR into their home. Then she tried to claim I am abusing her son. She’s filed a motion to have a psych evaluation done on her son, which failed, when we agreed to voluntarily take him to a counselor. She doesn’t want custody because she loves him, she wants custody to “win” and to keep receiving child support. She was ordered to pay child support to us, and is now $3000 behind on that. We haven’t seen a single penny.

    She doesn’t like the school he goes to, she doesn’t like the food we feed him, the clothes we buy, etc. etc. But there’s no help whatsoever to get him the things she wants him to have. She just makes empty promises (like “I will pay half of the tuition for private school”).

    The judge ordered supervised visitation, and he cannot be around her brothers. However, her dad was supposed to supervise, and he was starting to mentally abuse the boy (he’s been threatening to file for custody and ask the boy if he wants to come live with him and saying stuff like “I will get rid of your puppy if you don’t come see us”.. He’s 4!) Since she’s been behaving fairly well, we’ve allowed him to visit her without supervision. It’s so sad though, she will talk to me for 20 minutes about her new pregnancy, not even saying hi to her son. Her fiance pays more attention to the boy than she does. She sees him every weekend, and it took her 3 weeks to notice he’s lost a tooth!

    He’s got a little brother with me and my fiance (her ex) and he’s been really happy. He just gets so sad when his mom doesn’t keep her promises.. She has had several miscarriages and a still birth and she told him she was having a baby, she was 3 weeks pregnant! A week later she had another miscarriage (this was right around when I was due, again it’s a freaking contest). She makes plans to go to Disney, and it falls through. She makes plans for vacations, and it falls through. She breaks his heart and we’re left to pick up the pieces.

    • About 80% of his possessions were burned or sold by her parents and other family…

      I forgot about Christmas 2011, we just got custody and to keep the peace, he took the boy to the Christmas party.

      The entire family forced him out the house, locked the boy in a bedroom. He had to call the cops and they wouldn’t even get the boy out. They said it was a civil issue.

      They made the kid tell ask his dad why he couldn’t stay with mommy. And they made him say that he didn’t want to live with daddy and that I hurt him.

      And they don’t see anything wrong with any of that… *sigh*

      • hey catharina thanks for your comment i want to give you and husband a “THUMBS UP” for good parenting. the important thing is you and your husband is there for the child and raise him well.

  59. In 2001, I was in a traumatic work accident, that put me in a coma for 3 weeks, leaving me disabled. My ex-wife quit working 6 months later, leaving us living on SSA. In 07 we separated. In 08, we divorced. She had no contest with me getting full custody of our son and daughter. She pays $200 for child support and refused to help sons college. She hasn’t talked to my son since 09, and has never come to see our daughter. She sends her a text on her birthday, and a blank Xmas check. Has no plans on helping my daughter with college.
    She didn’t want kids when we started dating, but got pregnant to keep us together, for both kids.
    I have raised and always been there my kids, and always will be!

    • I held back the parts where her boyfriend came to visit her, only finding me and my kids, had me arrested for domestic violence cause she was too drunk to answer about boyfriend, denied to bail my son out for a misdemeanor, neglected to listen to our daughter sing in choir, denied to watch our son in gymnastics, or had our daughter visit her,yet, has her stay at the hotel alone so she could go to work and not have to meet her new boyfriend.

  60. I am married to a man who got divorced from a woman 7 years ago who is the true definition of a deadbeat mother. They were married just short of 5 years. They had only 1 child together (thank god). She had an affair, stole money from him, stopped paying bills…etc. therefore they got divorced. They have an amazing little boy together who is 10 years old. This woman cares more about her social life (going clubbing), her dogs and her boyfriend than she does about her child…incredibly sad. My husband and her have joint custody of their child. She does not deserve any type of custody of any child. When he is under our care (3 days at a time), she never speaks to him. She doesn’t ever call him to ask him how his day was! My husband and I register him for all of his extra curricular activities (sports etc). She does not attend his activities regularly and will always think of an excuse as to why she did not attend. This child spends more time at my in laws house then at her house. She will purposely be nasty to him and treat him like garbage in order to make him feel uncomfortable and ask to sleep at his grandparents house. She is not involved in his life at all. Any time my husband and I want to get him involved in anything that will better him, she fights us on it. She constantly talks smack about myself and my husband to try to turn him against us. We are the ones that do everything for this little boy, and not because we have to…because we want to. She will constantly write statuses on facebook and myspace about her son to try to prove to everyone that she is a good mother, but in reality it is just a front. She has even told her son that her house is more of her boyfriend’s house than it is his!!! She promises him she will take him on vacation, and take him here and there, yet still hasn’t after years, and told me she never will spend her money on him cause he is ungrateful. Umm…what kid is grateful at 10? LoL, I know I wasn’t, because at that age you aren’t mature enough to understand certain things, but that’s not a reason to not do things for your child. Seeing your child only 50% of the time due to divorce and having joint custody sucks as it is…but she will always give this little boy up the first chance she gets even if it means not seeing him for 5 days at a time (which also means not speaking to him because she won’t call him <—- and her excuse…"I don't want to bother him".) LoL any parent that can go that long without talking to their child is a sick individual who makes it obvious that they don't care about their child. It is apparent that she doesn't want him and doesn't have time for him (even though she sits home all day with no job), yet she will never give up her rights due to pride issues. Her "club" friends that don't really know her, have NO idea that she is a pathetic excuse for a mother. It's really sad and I'm just hoping that one day she will be exposed for the deadbeat she is. Having a child is a blessing, and some people in this world aren't lucky enough to be blessed with a child. This woman and others out there like her DO NOT deserve to have a child. She is a mom when she wants to be and not all the time. If that little boy is with us on our days, she won't even answer the phone for him. She could care less if he's sick or if there's an emergency or whatever. She makes me sick to my stomach!

    • Reading your story I felt like it was my own! So many similarities! Except my stepson’s “mother” (and I use that term loosely) hasn’t seen him at all in 8 months! She cares more about herself, her boyfriend and going out clubbing more than her own son..but at the same time bad mouthing his father and I as if we are horrible people who don’t care about him. It is very difficult dealing with the effect her behavior has on him and he is too young to understand that she is just a piece of crap who only cares about herself…and of course we would never tell him that! If you ever need someone to vent to.I can totally relate!!

  61. My wife one day made sure I took my youngest daughter to my mothers on my way to work almost 7 years ago. She left my 2 oldest children come home from school to themselves. I was working 30 minutes away from home. She barely wants to see them and is irritated when they call her. Telling them her bf says this or that. No 15,10,6 year children should have to deal with this. If she didn’t want to be a mom why have four kids. Lately wanting a divorce only to take my last name away from my youngest, Yes DNA wise he isn’t mine but will never treat him any differ. Not his fault of his mother’s cheating ways.

  62. I have read all the stories on this site and I too can relate to all these post. I have been raising my step son since he was 13 months old. His mother is constantly on drugs and in prison. She has four kids with four different men and does not raise or support any of her children. She believes in her wacked out head she is the best mom in the world and does not see the damage she has caused to her kids and her poor mother who raises two of them. We have never gotten a dime in child support from her. Not that we need it but I believe every parent should have to pay for the children they bring into this world. Every time she gets out of jail she acts phsyco and expects more time with him but she is always high so we cant trust her. She is back in prison now and my sons last visit with her he witnessed her doing heroin and was screaming at him because he calls me mom. We called social services when we found out and she was violated her probation for several failed drug test. He even had to find out this past mothers day that his mom sold his DS for drugs before she was violated and arrested (that DS was the ONLY thing she had ever bought him since she lost custody). He was absolutely heartbroken she had done that to him. He is such a wonderful handsome and smart 8 yr old boy and its sad she chose drugs over not only him but all her kids(the youngest is 2). Also she is 40,000 behind on child support for her oldest child. Im so sick of dead beat mothers neglecting their kids and not supporting them, itsjust sad.

    • Jersey: I can so relate to your story! I am also a stepmother to an 8 year old boy dealing with a crazy birthparent (my story is below). Do you have a facebook?

  63. my sons carrier, left when he was 18 monthes old he is now 5 yrs old and happy, he never brings up anything about why he does not have a mother. she is into drugs and whoring around, we do not need her around, but she is ordered to pay med insurance and child support and does not pay up( 17000.00 dollars behind) if it was me that did this i would be put under the jail !!!! the laws should be the same for moms as it is for the fathers of the child. we get by but can not afford to do the things i wish to do with and for him,

  64. There is nothing worse than watching a “mother” psychologically abuse her child and cast him to the side as if he is nothing more than an inconvenience. I am the stepmother to an 8 year old boy…I have been with his father since he was 8 months old and we have had one tumultuous ride dealing with his deadbeat mother. Besides her toxic behavior and psychological abuse she refuses to take accountability for anything she has done. She continues to blame my husband and I for exactly what she is doing…it is completely bizarre and hypocritical behavior. We fought and were awarded custody in May of 2011 and he has been with us ever since. She has violated numerous court orders…the big one being refusing to take a psych eval. It has been 7 months since she has seen him and she doesn’t pay child support. All the while continuing to call acting as though nothing has happened. We have our son in therapy because of the games she plays with his emotions. As of right now she has a new boyfriend that she is galavanting around town with, partying..not working, etc. (she is 10 years older than me) while we raise “her child” day in and day out and trying to undo all of the damage she has caused him…and according to her we are pieces of crap!? After so long of dealing with this we have learned to not get upset over the things she does that we have no control over…our main concern is what is best for Christian. I love and care about him more than I despise her and her behavior. I know that Christian will grow up knowing who was there for him. It is comforting to know that there are people out there dealing with the same thing and I think it is amazing that you are bringing awareness to the “deadbeat mom” as it is so often the man grouped into that category. Thank You!

  65. I have 4 children aged 20, 17,15,and 13. My ex wife took off from the kids June 10 2011 and moved to France to be remarried and forgot about her children. We recieve no financial support from her. She has caused two of my children to try to commit suicide. I have Dr. bills in the thousands. I am struggling on a daily basis. I have taken her for child support but she refuses to pay. I wish her a lonely , miserable life for all the pain she did to my children

    • don’t worry, she’ll be punished. probably not until she’s alone and old and no one wants anything to do with her! she will not have a peaceful life!

    • Eric, we can always buy money, it might be expensive money or at high interest but it is always possible, but the love of your kids for you? “Priceless”… I am in the same club, but having my health and kids beside me gives me strength each moment to continue this wonderful life. Congrat for being an amazing father Eric !!! What I would recommend is buy a Bible for you and an xBox for the kids LoL…. I did.

      • Hey Eric I totally agree with you, your children’s love is priceless,,,

        thanks for that encouraging comment to Eric

  66. Im a single dad 3 kids. I make good money but not enough! The bio mom will not pay support and thinks it will go away! ( she told me this )she will do nothing the court has ordered! And i cant afford a lawyer! She has told my 14 year old daughter you dont need to graduate. Just find a guy get pregnant and you will be fine . My son is now having seizures! She wont pay the co-pay. She just recived a settlement and of course i wont see anything and i cant keep struggling to feed, clothes for my kids or just go do things with them! I feel as she is correct n i am a bad dad? I need help! im behind

  67. My mom abandoned my sister and I when we were 8 and 10. Drugs, adultery, lies and domestic abuse …this is the legacy she has left us with as we are still picking up the pieces and dealing with the emotional and physical consequences of her choices. She has not supported either one of us at all and still slings mud blaming us because we won’t grow up and let the past be the past. We are 30 and 32 now. Not sure we’re the ones who need to grow up.

    • Ottero7 my mother, took us to social service when i we were 5-7, pushed us in the door, said she was going to the store and we did not see her until 8 years later. we are 35-37, it’s been 30 years since that happen and we still have not gotten over it yet. so, i understand what you are going through. it seems it’s you and your sister against the world, and it will not be easy, but as long as you two support each other in your plights; it’s skys the limit. look for my book deadbeat mom stories, coming this fall.

  68. We raise my wife’s grandchildren for the last 9 years.Thier mom is 1 of the worst person’s that i know.She leave’s out of thier lives over and over again with no problem doing it.The law’s are alot different for women then men.She get away with everything that was ordered for her to do.No child support for 9 years but yet she starts another family and her man has money and she continues to live high on the hog.But us men that would never fly we would be in jail and or more actions would be taken to get the money from a man.I think this is wrong man or woman you make it you support it and love it and care for it.That’s the way it goes and if you don’t won’t to be a full time parent don’t be 1 at all.You just can’t walk in and out of your kids life and think that that’s right cause you feel like today to wan’t to be a parent it’s a every day thing just like breathing something you have to do all the time.

    • I understand what your talking about Chuck, and this is the purpose for writing the book..I’m hoping the more responses i get on the site an the book, the more it could possibly get lawmakers attention for change.

  69. My three step-children have lived with my husband and I for four years now and we get no support, financial or otherwise, from the kids’ bio-mom. She is a deadbeat in every way. Some of the crap that my poor babies had to endure is unbelievable! Our youngest was two years old when they moved in with us, and she came for a visit with them last year and he didn’t know who she was, he ran away from her. She gets pissed at me because they call me mom and they call her by her first name, I told her I never encouraged it and they call us what they choose to. She wanted me to discipline them for it and I told her no, she started yelling and I hung up the phone. These are the G rated issues! So sad.. I’m almost happy that she has almost completely abandoned them now…

    • Erica, despite their moms actions, i would like for you to continue taking care of those children, those children need you, don’t let anyone discourage you from being the good parent you have been for the last couple of years. don’t worry about the other things, god will take care of that. If you get a chance leave me your facebook name so i can give you a good parent shoutout, you deserve one.

    • Your lucky @ least she is out of site. The kids will be better off with you and your husband alone. They do not need to be around that negativity, it will only set them back psychologically. Keep up the great work and many prayer to you and your husband.

  70. I was very intriqued when I found this website – and even more eager to read the book. All too often, it’s the father who gets the bad rap. Six years ago, I met a wonderful man, a loving father, who has the most horrible ex-wife. This man is now my husband, and one year ago today, his two boys came to live with us. I couldn’t love them more, if they were my own blood. The things the boys have expierenced, witnessed and endured at the hands of their mother, are more than any child should have to. The on-going issues over the past year and years prior, have surprised me beyond belief. Our situation is probably mild compared to some…….but coming from a happy home myself – I could never have imagined some of this. It’s very helpful to know, that others share in our experience. I would be happy to share more details – I feel that our story, might be helpful to others.

    I look forward to your book. Thank you.

    • Wow Diane, I’m impressed with your story.. just knowing those boys are in good hands with you and their dad makes my day, keep up the good work. when you get a chance give me your facebook name, i would like to give a Good Parenting Shoutout to you on my page. thank you for your story.

    • Hey lucius, thanks for checking out the site, and thank you for spreading the word to your friends.. Hey don’t forget the book will be out in 2012, so don’t forget to get your copy.

  71. yes i think this website is good so that moms that abuse and don’t take care of their child should be arrested or they should get their children taken away. children with dead beat moms sometimes affect them for the worst and some children turnout to be someone in life. it all depends on the situation.

    • Hi maria! Thanks for your response, i agree with you, i also feel that every child deserves to see life through a positive crystal ball, anything negative could shatter their dreams, that’s why we have to spread the word “stop the abuse”.

  72. when you have a baby it is heaven sent..so these dead beat parents need to know that they were choosen by god to protect their precious cargo…its no excuse for being a dead beat parent. get it together women these kids didnt ask to be here..and i love this site i hope you continue to shed light on this situtation.

  73. i feel that they are giving alot of mothers that are doing what they have to do a bad name. they should be more responsible and care more.

    • Yes Soraida, deadbeat moms are giving mothers that strive to be the best parents they could be, a bad name. When you get a chance tell us about your wonderful mom. Ok talk to you soon.

  74. I FEEL AS IF DEAD BEAT MOTHERS NEED TO GET IT TOGETHER , YOU SHOULD HAVE NEVER GAVE BIRTH TO THE CHILD IF YOU GOING NEGLECT THEM

    • Thanks alexis for your comment i agree with you, we all realize that no one’s perfect but we want these moms to hopfully change their ways and be better at parenting.

  75. This book would be an interesting story because you never really hear about a deadbeat mom. Its always the father that ends up leaving their child. I feel that deadbeat moms should not only be punished but should be put in their place. No child should have to experience being neglecting from their birth mother. Its a bad feeling and its definitely wrong.

    • Hi olicia, thank you for your comment. You are correct Any child going through this is certainly feeling quite sad. But hopfully with concerned people like yourself, we can all speak out and be heard and hopfully save someone future or life.

  76. Hello ms Naomi , i like the fact that you’ve made a book about woman such as myself and many other women . well i found out about the website through my son ; he claims that a gentleman from his school gave him the link to the website . personally i am a deadbeat mother and im very proud of it . i feel that my children don’t deserve quality things , i feel that i deserve it , being that im the provider in my household . i pay rent , i work , and i make sure they have a roof over their damn heads . and since you asked do i have a story . well let me tell you one of mines ; last year i became unemployed , and n o money was coming through so i had my 15 year old daughter prostitute for money to pay my bills , is because i didn’t have any money and we were about to be evicted . so what else was i to do i worked hard , so now it was time for her to do something for her mother . as of right now i have no custody of my children and honestly don’t care . and i can’t wait to purchase your book , just so i can i have my self a good ole laugh

      • excuse me i don’t need no damn help .
        me and my kids are doing just fine ; and im gonna continue doing what im doing whether you like it or not . im making money …. so i don’t see whats the problem . and my daughter actually loves her job by the way .

  77. Deadbeat moms I really don’t hear about, but I won’t be surprised. I don’t think its one mom in this world who wouldn’t want to be with there kid, its always a reason behind a problem, she can be in a predicament she doesn’t won’t her kid to be around like abuse, drug abuse, something! So she feels that her child would be safe with someone she knows that can deal with the responsibility, every mother is different in there own way. I have a 11 month old daughter and after carrying her for 9 months I’m will in carry her for 29 years, I’m there for the good and the bad.

    • Hey shaytia, thanks for that comment. You expressed some concern about a mom maybe having a problem. That maybe so, but if she knows she has a problem and she has children that cannot take care of themselves it is now her responiblity to either get some help or turn the kids over to someone who can take care of them until she gets better. If she chooses to keep them with her own selfish reasons then i would consider her a deadbeat.

        • I forgot to mention shaytia, i like the fact that you mentioned you will be there for your child no matter what, i know when other moms read your comment they will agreed and also be inspired to do the same. Thank you, every week a new question will be posted, feel free to comment and also express any questions or concerns you may have.

  78. I think dead beat moms are bad i always hear about dead beat dads but never really about dead beat moms…i think this book is interesting because there are moms out here neclecting their children…as a male i feel that moms carry the child for 9 months and that they should always be there more than a dad. A wise man once told me mothers should be there for their kids 365 days a year

    .

    • Hey hassan thank you for your comment, i agreed with the very wise man, but it’s always best if a child could have both parents by their side.

    • You are right marvin, every child should be given a fair shot in life and normally they depend on mom and when mom is not there, then a child could feel hopeless.

  79. Personally i feel that dead beat mothers should step up to the plate and stop acting foolish and take care of their children. Its not right to plan a child , have them and not give them correct treatment. Its harsh to neglect them and disregard them knowing that they are your kids. I hate to see young people not get the proper attention and love. Everyone is human and should get treated with respect no matter what!!!!!!!!!!!!

  80. i feel that this book will be an eye opener to those who only think that there are only deadbeat dads out there . i also feel that this book will let children and adults know that they aren’t alone, and that others are actually aware or have gone through the same experiences .

    • Thank you jade for ending your comment with others may have Experienced this same type of situation, this may give a young adult some hope.

  81. i feel that dead beat moms are the ones who want to go out to parties and leave their kids in the house un attended for an example the mother who left her baby with the snake in the house and the snake killed the baby that is what you call a dead beat mom some one who would really do that to their child.

    • Hey bryanna, i did’nt here about the story on the news, but if you cam keep me posted with the outcome. Also, thanks for your example of what you consider a deadbeat mom, that may help others get an idea of the word deadbeat.

  82. I think that abuse is rooted in a complete lack of caring and that person not being able to express their frustration towards life. If your mom is abusive that means she has been through some things that scarred her. If your mother hurts you intenionally then she diserves to be called a deadbeat mom. However if your mother feels bad about what she has done and truly does not know how to handle the pain then you must forgive her, (1. she is human, 2. she is your mother.)

    • First and foremost sam i like to thank you for your comment.. I totally agree with you, if a person can acknowledge her wrongful doings and stop than no she is not considered a deadbeat, but if she continues on with whatever she is doing wrong and she is aware it’s wrong and it harms the safety of a child than she a deadbeat.

  83. Moms who neglect children should not have the right to be a parent it is wrong for them and upsetting to me to see that children get hurt abused and so much more torment as children we deserve the best life gives us and we also need the proper care and guidance to help us n that journey to becoming someone embraceable in life so we can have children on our own and past our legacy downward to generation and so forth

    • I like your comment terrell, you sound like a very smart and intelligent young man, i know alot of young teenagers will be inspired by your comment. Thank you.

    • Thank you Djeneba for your response, you are correct, people should be brought to justice for abusing children, but my goal as a writer is to bring awareness to the matter and try to encourage parents to get some help.

      • I think that any adult that targets children to abuse them. Shouldn’t recieve help first, but jail time. And then get help behind bars. For me there is no mercy granted or simpthy for thoose whom choose to harm and prey on children. if you can’t handle being a parent. than turn your child over to the state or other relatives. if you feel yourself having unatural desires or thoughts about children. than go seek professional help before it goes too far. and thoose whom have seen signs of child abuse. Shouldn’t ignore it or be afraid to report it. Either way most child abuse cases can be avoided if the people around them are willing to do the right thing. So may god help thoose whom are going through it right now and the one’s whom have been through it already.

        • Thank you jay for your comment, i totally agree with you, when you get a chance can you post some hotlines were adults can go and get some help if they need it.

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